1. LONGER, PLEASE

“I’d make mine a little longer.”

2. ALL THE SAME SIZE, PLEASE

“Make them all the same size. We’re all in this together, fellas.”

3. BALLS ON THE INSIDE, PLEASE

“Balls on the inside.”

4. LESS BRAIN IN IT, PLEASE

“Put less of our brain in it.”

5. ^^^ WHAT HE SAID

“It would no longer be capable of making decisions for you.”

6. BANANA-FLAVORED

“Banana-flavored.”

7. PUMPKIN-SPICE JIZZ

“Pumpkin-spice-latte-flavored ejaculate.”

8. A BATCH OF COOKIES

“Less veiny and constantly at semi-chub and probably add some glands which would release a sweet smelling hormone which would make your dick smell like God was baking a batch of cookies.”

9. COCAINE DISPENSER

“Make it secrete high-quality cocaine?”

10. SENSITIVITY ADJUSTER

“A sensitivity adjuster. Need quick release? Set it to 10. Want to go all night? Set it to 1.”

11. BOTH RETRACTABLE AND PREHENSILE

“For one, ejaculate would taste exactly like the frosting that comes with the Pillsbury Cinnamon Rolls. It would be able to vibrate at varying frequencies on demand. It would be both retractable and prehensile. Erections wouldn’t occur randomly, and wouldn’t interfere with urination.”

12. LOSE THE SKIN AFTER INTERCOURSE LIKE A SNAKE

“Lose the skin, like a snake, after intercourse to prevent the spread of disease.”

13. Make it detachable for cleaning purposes

“Make it detachable for cleaning purposes. I actually had a weird dream about this once and in my dream you could only take off your penis once a day to clean it. The part that made me wake up was when I put my penis on upside down and I couldn’t do anything to fix it. It’s been about 7 years since I had this dream and I still don’t get how I made such a foolish mistake.”

14. TURBOCHARGE IT WITH A SECOND HEART

“I would turbocharge it with a 2nd heart for rock-hard, full-throttle erections.”

15. VIBRATING CLIT-STIMULATING ATTACHMENT

“Could I have a bit on top that vibrates or moves so it stimulates the clit?”

16. A RACING STRIPE

“I feel like a racing stripe would be pretty sharp.”

17. VENOMOUS BARBS AND ICE DISPENSER

“Venomous barbs and an ice dispenser.”

18. RIBBED

“Ribbed for her pleasure.”

19. FLACCID AT THE SIGHT OF CRAZY

“Flaccid at the sight of Crazy. Never stick your dick in Crazy.”

20. bonerS AT WILL

“Make erections a voluntary action.”