Lorenzo Jensen III

“Never love someone so much you lose yourself in them.”

There’s a good reason you might want to stay away from Pisces, Virgos, and Geminis.

“Usually, when a guy says, ‘I’m a nice guy,’ that’s code for ‘I’m not a nice guy.’”

“Literally every girl checks out your package. You can usually see a bulge in the pants. We look. A lot.”

“You should never let a man touch your vagina if there’s even the slightest chance he could have hot sauce on his hands.”

Spank my ass so hard you leave a handprint.

“I once told a guy at a party that his personality was so disgusting it made me want to vomit. He didn’t believe me and continued to hit on me. So I voluntarily vomited on him just to get my point across.”

“We have to be on the constant lookout for danger.”

“Men are utterly disrespected and disposed of regularly by society, but the propaganda claims otherwise.”

“Don’t yell ‘Daddy’ while your dad’s in the house.”

“One of my neighbors wrung the neck of my kitten and dumped its body in the driveway.”

“My grandma used to put kittens in plastic bags and bury them alive.”

“I was convinced I saw Death that day.”

“An individual who has an over-inflated sense of self worth, compounded by a low level of intelligence, behaving ridiculously in front of colleagues with no sense of how moronic he appears.”

“Texting me to tell me about it. Thanks, wife.”

Don’t demand sex in return for dinner.

“Because she bet me a free pizza that I wouldn’t last five minutes.”

“Tramp stamps…can you picture your 90-year-old self with a tramp stamp?””