1. I fell backwards and broke the light bulb I’d shoved in my ass.
“I came home drunk one night and started masturbating in the bathroom. Because I was drunk, I wasn’t getting good sensation. I squatted and screwed a burned out light bulb into my ass. When I came I fell backwards and broke the light bulb. It took a lot of straining, digging and tearing to get the metal out of my ass. I bled for two days. I don’t use anything breakable anymore.”
2. I took me two weeks to get all the wax out of me
“The only thing I could find to masturbate with was a candle, and I was using that when my parents walked in. I faked being asleep, and after a while I feel asleep for real. When I woke up the candle had melted in me and it took me two weeks to get all the wax out of me.”
3. I accidentally shot myself in the face several times.
“The worst I’ve done is accidentally shoot myself in the face…several times….”
4. MY DAD WAS IN THE ROOM
“I was about 14 or so, and a regular self-diddler. One day I woke up from a nap on the couch & felt a little horn-ay & since I thought I was alone I decided to go at it, using my patented middle-finger technique. I finished with a huge moan…then suddenly I heard something, like a person clearing his throat. MY DAD WAS IN THE ROOM, sitting in his recliner—he had been there the entire time! I pretended I was sleeping and stayed there for at least an hour on the couch until my dad left the room. I was so utterly and totally mortified I have never even spoken of this until now. My dad, thankfully, never mentioned it, either.”
5. I decided to see if I could fit my entire hand into my vagina.
“I was a 16-year-old girl visiting my very old-school grandparents while on summer break. I had also recently discovered the joys of masturbation. For some reason, I decided to see if I could fit my entire hand into my vagina. Well, I managed to fit it, but I couldn’t get it back out. I had to call my grandmother for help. She couldn’t get it out, either. I wound up wrapped in a blanket, sitting in the emergency room. The nice doctor managed to lube me up and stretch me enough to finally get it out.”
—Handy-Work In Canada
6. I was masturbating with a Ken doll and the head came off inside me!
“This is mortifying. I still shiver and block it out when the memory arises: I tended to use whatever was available at the age of 16; in my case, my little sister’s Ken doll was just the right size. Being widely uneducated about how it all worked down there at that point, I would just sit on it and rock.
Well, we all know how easily those Ken heads popped off…yep. Into the vajayjay. The problem was, I could not get it out myself. I flipped completely out, thoughts of it going up into my uterus and damaging my internal organs (again, not properly educated!) flying through my panic-induced brain.
What did I do? I told my mother. Took a deep breath, then blurted, “I was masturbating with a Ken doll and the head came off inside me!”
The look on her face was a mixture of anger, disappointment, and embarrassment. But she took me upstairs, and attempted to get it out. I was crying, mortified to the core.
It got worse. She couldn’t get it out. So she: got. my. FATHER…who then got his pliers. That worked.
Dad never talked about it again; mom walked out of the room, scolding me, saying, ‘Come talk to me next time you want to do that!’
At least I didn’t wind up at the hospital?”
7. When I tried to get the sausage out of my pussy I couldn’t; it had broken off inside of me.
“When I was 19 I got drunk by myself. I was feeling really horny, and since I did not have a boyfriend at the time, I went to the fridge to look for something to masturbate with. All I found was a sausage, the kind that is about one-and-a-half inches around. I used that in both my vagina and ass and then passed out. The next morning I woke up and could tell I had something inside of me in both orifices, the back was easy to clear, I just used the bathroom. But when I tried to get the sausage out of my pussy I couldn’t; it had broken off inside of me. After much trying with my fingers, I finally got scared and went to the hospital. So embarrassing—it just had to be a male doctor taking it out. Well, now I only use my fingers.”
8. I thought it would be fun to insert a cucumber all the way into my anus.
“I am a 19-year-old guy, and one afternoon I thought it would be fun to insert a cucumber all the way into my anus. I had done this before and was always able to pass it back out easily. Well, this time it went in, and I couldn’t get it to come back out. I also had a previous engagement with a friend that afternoon, so I reluctantly went with the cucumber still in my anus. I was fine for most of the afternoon until I felt it coming! Needless to say I had to rush for the bathroom, but nobody was the wiser. That experience scared the hell out of me, but it was still fun.”
9. The orgasm was so powerful that I slipped over and hit my head.
“I was beating off in the shower one time. I don’t know why, but whenever there is water around it takes me forever to cum. Anyway, I was going hard for about 45 minutes. When I eventually came, the orgasm was so powerful that I slipped over and hit my head. Obviously I didn’t learn from the experience because I still do it all the time.”
10. I rubbed a hole in my penis with a chalkboard eraser.
“Oh, fuck. Don’t ask me how or why, but I used an eraser once (twice maybe a dozen)…chalkboard, not pencil. Oh so softly under ye ol’ head…crazy wicked feeling doing it that way. All was fine and dandy until one day I couldn’t bust. So fast and fast I erased until….OWWWWWWWWWWWW holy shit I rubbed a hole in it. Rubbed myself raw, literally, bled, sore ouch.”
11. I had 30 stitches in my cock.
“Well, I did a real dumb thing about 11 years ago. I had this flute-style glass flower vase, and it looked perfect for masturbation. The right width and length. So, I opened this old trunk I had and put it between the open lip and the lid. When I got on my knees it was the perfect height. Well, it was working great until I put too much pressure on the lid and it crushed the vase with my cock inside it. I put the pressure on it right when I was cumming, and it severely severed my dick. There was blood everywhere, and I had to have emergency surgery. The wounds were superficial and I had 30 stitches in my cock. It was extremely painful, and I contemplated suicide many times, and almost did it once. I have lived with the terror and humiliation beyond all description. I realize that others think it’s funny, but I have very painful flashbacks and I’ve never been able to have another relationship or sleep with a woman since. I doubt I ever will. My cock has a barely visible scar on it, but it is there. Often I think back to it and I can barely overcome my shame. I can’t even talk to a counselor; maybe the anonymous sharing of my story is the first step.”
12. I was crawling around in the shower for at least 20 minutes trying to wash it all out of my eyes.
“The first time I masturbated in the shower I didn’t really expect my cum to shoot out so fiercely, so I wasn’t aiming and I let myself ejaculate freely. Unfortunately my accuracy was way off and it shot straight into my left eye! I was crawling around in the shower for at least 20 minutes trying to wash it all out of my eyes.”
13. I had a sex with a glass Coca-Cola bottle. It became stuck and wouldn’t come off…
“I had a sex with a glass Coca-Cola bottle. It became stuck and wouldn’t come off and I realized it was because of vacuum pressure in that bottle caused it to seal inside my pussy. I had the ambulance come to drill a little hole on the pop bottle for it to let some air release and it came off. Never would fuck the damn bottle again. I love any toys beside something like this!”
14. After 3-4 hours of effort, I dialed 999 with my heel.
“Until last year, I practiced self-bondage. I got off on the thrill of the struggle to escape. One evening while my boyfriend was working abroad, I got carried away and irreparably bound myself, wearing my tightest corset, nylons, 7″ heels, nipple clamps, and a ball-gag. I managed to knock the phone onto the floor and after 3-4 hours of effort, I dialed 999 [England’s version of 911] with my heel. I couldn’t say anything but the police broke in and rescued me. The sergeant said he’d never seen anything like it in 40 years on the force. I live in a small town, so I moved shortly thereafter due to the embarrassment.”
15. What I had thought was cum was actually blood!
“So, this happened to me a few nights ago. I was super horny, so I started going at it when my roommate was out. I had my vibrator and some music going and everything. I can’t orgasm without penetration, but usually I can’t get wet enough to lubricate myself enough to actually have amazing orgasms. But somehow, this night, I was. I did my thing, and I had about 5 orgasms, one right after another! I’d never had that many before. Needless to say, things were a little messy on my sheets. I turned on the lights to look for the box of baby wipes to clean off my hands, and put my pajamas back on, when I noticed I had blood all over my hands! My period had started about a week early. What I had thought was cum was actually blood! And to make matters worse, it was all over my sheets and bedspread! Now, normally I wash my sheets the day after a heavy masturbation session, because I’m usually too tired to strip the bed right then, but I had to get them in the wash before the blood set in and stained. It was around 3 in the morning, and I had to wait for my sheets to wash and dry before I could go back to bed. The worst part was that I had just washed them and put them on the bed the day before! I felt so embarrassed for myself afterwards, even though nobody else knew about it.”
16. The dildo went too far up.
“4 months ago. I had anal masturbation.
The dildo went too far up. When taking it out, I saw some blood (not in a ‘drop0like manner,’ is was more like mixed with some other stuff).
Since that happened I experience anal pain once in a while. My fecal matter does not contain blood.
The pain stopped a month ago, but it was replaced by a lower back pain. And today…it’s pretty painful (except when lying down on the bed).”
17. ‘I’m sorry the little sinner’s late, he was playing with himself in the bath.’
“My tale of woe was at the ripe age of 13. I was running late for school, and would have to get a lift in anyhow. I decided as I had the time and the night before had been particularly…arousing, dream wise, I’d enjoy myself. As I was reaching climax my mother burst through the door, having heard the noise, raving and screaming. This could have been the end of it, but oh no. She dragged me out of the bath (first incident of blue balls to boot.) Grabbed me by my arm, had me get dressed, and drove me in to school. Lecturing the entire way (Catholic family.) Once we reached school I thought it was over. How wrong I was. She marched me into school, into the morning assembly and up to the deputy headmaster, declaring, ‘I’m sorry the little sinner’s late, he was playing with himself in the bath.’
Suffice to say, I died a little that day.”
18. Wanted. To. Die.
“I had just finished the deed when my four-year-old decided to wake up, open my bedroom door, and ask to come up into my bed. I toss the vibrator under my pillow, natch, and pull the covers a little tighter around me so the little one doesn’t catch mommy without her bottoms on.
He curls up next to me, slides his arm under my neck and lo and behold, grabs my vibe. He slides it out from under my pillow, holds it up like the Statue of Liberty torch, and says, ‘Mama, wut’s dis?’ Trying to think quickly, I replied, ‘Oh honey, that’s just something for making headaches go away. Give it to mommy.’
With that, my beautiful, mop-topped, brown-eyed baby boy finds the ‘on’ switch and starts running my big ol’ dildo all over his head. ‘Like this, Mama? You do it like this?’
Wanted. To. Die.
Next day, his father comes to pick him up for the weekend. (We’re divorced). Comes in and says, ‘Cher, you got anything for a headache? My head is killing me.’
With that, my son runs into my room, dives under my pillow, finds my vibrator again (I had shoved it back under there after regaining control of it the night before) and comes running out, waving it.
‘Here, Daddy! Mommy showed me this last night! She said it helps for headaches.’
Wanted. To. Die…Again.
Apparently, my little boy has forgotten this story over the years (he is 15 now), but I do believe that when he hits 21 or becomes engaged to that special someone, I will break out the story at the most inopportune and inappropriate time in his life.
Call it ‘Mama’s Revenge.’”
19. I never tried anything sexual with my brother again.
“My kid brother was only around five years old at the time of this incident. I was around seven, which will hopefully spare me any accusations of being a horrible child molester. The incident unfolded as follows: I was lying on the couch with my pants down, rubbing myself with my security blanket. My kid brother walked in the room and didn’t notice anything weird going on. There was a palm frond on the floor (it was shortly after Easter), and it struck me that the frond would feel very nice tickling my anus. So I asked my brother to do it for me, since I couldn’t masturbate and perform palm-frond tickling at the same time. He complied for about three seconds before his freak-out mechanism kicked in. He sprinted upstairs and told my mom what I was doing. She spanked me and took away my security blanket, which I never saw again.
In my own defense, I never tried anything sexual with my brother again, and have found him fairly repellent for many years now. And it wasn’t about my brother, anyway. I just needed someone to manipulate the palm frond.”
—Adopted, So It’s Not Incest
20. My stepfather comes down the stairs and says, ‘Who used my toothbrush?’
“When: I was 12. Where: Bathroom. What: Stepfather’s electric toothbrush. With the subtle purring of that device, I rubbed it up and down, all around, until I was close, oh so close, to cumming. (Didn’t actually achieve the big O until I was 15.) My stepfather comes down the stairs and says, ‘Who used my toothbrush?’ How did he know? Well, it was wet (yes, I washed it), and it was dead. It needed a new charge! I said it wasn’t me, but he looked me deep in the eyes. To this day, I think he knew.”
21. My Spanish teacher never called on me or made eye contact with me again.
“I was in school and really horny (probably had my mind on some guy). So I got a pass for the bathroom, went into a stall, pulled down my pants, and started fingering myself. Suddenly the stall door opened. I hadn’t carefully locked the door in my rush to finger-fuck myself. But it wasn’t another student at the door—it was my Spanish teacher! Needless to say, I cut my Spanish class that day. My Spanish teacher never called on me or made eye contact with me again. She would, however, glance at my hands and make disgusted faces.”
—Ain’t No Bedtime Story
22. I decided to put some of the chicken bones in my ass.
“I have always been sexually active with myself. When I was 13 my parents had ordered a big bucket of chicken. It was the extra-tasty crispy recipe, and I got a Dr. Pepper. I used to think the Colonel was a black guy for some reason. LOL. Anyways…I used the chicken grease as lube for touching myself and my balls. It felt nice. I sometimes would touch my butthole too and it felt good so I decided to put some of the chicken bones in my ass. I got 4 of them up there and I stopped. One of them was too pointy and stabbed me in my smelly hole. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone so I didn’t tell anyone. After a week it got really sore and I had blood shits made me cry. Pus started to come out sometimes. I had to tell my mom about it and we went to the doctor’s. The doctor thought the Colonel was a black guy, too. LOL”
23. One night, I decided to put the garden hose up my ass.
“When I was a teenager, I got off on sneaking out of my parents’ house naked and wandering around in the woods. (We lived in the middle of nowhere.) I really dug masturbating in the darkness of the forest. One night, I decided to put the garden hose up my ass instead. I had always wanted to know how an enema felt. I was a twisted kid.
My parents were away from home, so I was outside naked earlier than usual; I stuck the garden hose up my ass and slowly turned on the water. Then I heard a car coming up the driveway. I panicked and ran into the woods. Running naked is uncomfortable. Running while squirting water out of your ass is really uncomfortable. The vehicle belonged to an uncle of mine who stopped in to check on me at my parents’ request. He had to have seen me, as it was dusk when he arrived. I hid in the woods for five and a half hours while he hung out in the house, waiting for me to come back. There were other clues around the house (a pile of clothes by the door, my porn mags), so he knew what was going on.
I went back to the house when he drove off. He had put the hose back and cleaned up all my porn stuff. He also left a freaky note promising that he wouldn’t tell my parents, and telling me that he was bisexual, I was totally freaked out.”
24. My dick got stuck.
“Used to work for a prosthetician, assisting in the making of false limbs. In order to make a fake leg for a client, we had to make an accurate mold of the stump. To do this, we used a powder called Co-Alginate. You mix it with water for five minutes before you apply it to a patient’s stump. It then rapidly solidifies into a hard and gel-like yet pleasantly slick substance, which can easily be removed from the patient’s stump with a firm yank.
I thought a good Co-Alginate fucking would be a great way to spend a bathroom break. I took a decent-sized jar and some Co-Alginate powder to the bathroom with me and locked the door. I mixed a little water in with the powder, got it to a nice slimy semi-hard texture, and stuck in my dick. You can probably guess what happened next: My dick got stuck. I tugged it and tugged it, but I couldn’t tug it as hard as you would to get it off of somebody’s leg, because it hurt and I didn’t want to pull my dick off. I actually had to yell for someone to bring me a cast-cutting saw.”
—Cock Stuck in Jar