Holly Riordan

Did you smile when you saw my name pop up on your phone just now?

“She had mandatory cuddle time with each of the kids. They would lay on the couch, and she would spoon them, in the quiet, for about 30 minutes each.”

“Standing in my living room, looking out the window, and I see a nuclear bomb go off near the horizon.”

Taurus: You have patience, which is why you’ll enjoy a long, intricate novel like 11/22/63 by the great Stephen King.

If I murdered someone, would you help me cover up the crime?

It’s hard to judge myself through mirrors and photographs. I wish I could take a step back and see myself from someone else’s point of view.

Pisces: Like Marshall, you’re the smartest person in your friend group, but nobody realizes it, because you’re too busy singing silly songs and making puns about fish.

After his parents died, because his father had decided to drive six whiskeys deep, he claimed every unexplained creak and groan was a sign. But back when I worked at Toys R Us, everyone had thought the place was haunted, too. There would be stories wherever you went.

I can’t say I regret anything, from my broken bones to my asshole exes, because every little choice led me straight to you.

Deleting pictures from fun nights out with your friends, because you think you look disgusting in them.

Whenever your mouth needs a rest, stick to using your hands and take the time to talk dirty to him. Tell him how much you love feeling his cock harden in your mouth and how you can’t wait to swallow his cum.

You climb under the covers so you can cuddle with them, even if you’re boiling hot and don’t understand why the hell they need to wear three blankets at once.

“It quickly escalates to Mr. Krabs tormenting Plankton to the point where he never leaves the Chum Bucket, has nightmares, and eventually attempts suicide. I am not exaggerating at all.”

“He asked me questions about my physical appearance and then started asking me creepy things like if I had pubic hair or wore a bra.”

“Tender Morsels by Margo Lanagan: In addition to incest, this novel contains a shit ton of gang rape scenes and mentions of suicide.”

“Okay, I sound like an ass, but sometimes I like my ex’s pictures, just to mess with her.”

He sends you good morning texts every single day, so you always have something nice to wake up to.

Resist the urge to call him out on social media or post mopey song lyrics about your breakup. Instead, post statuses about the epic concert you just went to or the new car you just bought. Your happiness will drive him nuts.