I alternate between loving myself wholeheartedly and wishing I could slip into someone else’s body. Basically, my self-esteem is high one day and low the next, because I can’t figure out if I’m ugly as sin or if I’m one sexy motherfucker. It’s impossible to tell the difference from where I’m standing, and it’s driving me mad.
I look good compared to the past “me.”
Compared to the weird-ass, awkward version of me in middle school, I look fucking fantastic. But in another decade, will I look back and think that that the 2016 version of me looked like a complete loser? It’s hard to judge myself through mirrors and photographs. I wish I could take a step back and see myself from someone else’s point of view.
The mirror never tells me the same thing twice.
Some days, I’ll look in the mirror and think that I’m hot stuff. That any guy would be lucky to have a bombshell like me. On other days, I’ll be disgusted by how dry my skin is and how much I suck at doing my make-up. My perception of myself changes on the daily. I never know what to think of myself.
Photographs never capture me the same way.
Instagram and SnapChat are my savors. With the right filters, I can trick myself into believing that I’m on the same level as a supermodel. But even though my collection of selfies look amazing, what about the candid photos my friends snap at parties and upload to Facebook? I don’t know if the light always ends up hitting me the wrong way or if my friends are uploading shitty photos on purpose to mess with me, but those pics always make me feel like crap. I never look my best in them.
I can’t take compliments seriously.
My friends all claim that I’m beautiful, but are they just saying that because they’re “supposed” to say it? And when random boys claim I’m pretty, are they just saying that because they want to get in my pants? Or is it because they genuinly believe the words? It’s hard to take a compliment seriously when I know that people tell little white lies every single day in order to make their lives easier. I do it all the time, so why wouldn’t they?
I’ve been with attractive people before.
Should I focus on the fact that I’ve somehow convinced super attractive men to fall in love with me, or the fact that my friends were shocked when they saw me with those super attractive men? Should I focus on the fact that some gorgeous guys have found me sexy enough to sleep with, or the fact that they didn’t find me sexy enough to date? I have no idea how I should look at those situations.
I’m my own worst enemy.
There are drop-dead gorgeous girls out there who spit out constant complaints about their hair and belly fat, even though they’re walking pieces of art. If they stopped looking for more and more reasons to criticize themselves, then they’d realize that they’re actually beautiful human beings. Now, I don’t want to fool myself, but I do want to love myself, which is why I’m going to group myself in with those gorgeous girls. I’m going to admit that I’m being way too hard on myself and start calling myself a ten–and you should, too.