Holly Riordan

You were unexpected. Untamed. Unpredictable. I never knew what would happen when we were together. If our conversations would lead to dinner at the diner or to me escaping to the bathroom for a cry.

You care more about others than yourself. You think with your heart, but it isn’t your heart that you’re worried about. It’s everyone else’s hearts. You don’t want them to be sad. You want to bring them joy — even if that means you’re forced to suffer.

You’re going to accuse him of things he’d never do. And you know he’d never do them, but that doesn’t matter. That doesn’t silence the paranoia in the back of your brain. And when you make unfair accusations, he’ll get offended. He’ll hate that you don’t trust him.

One day, you’ll have someone to break up the monotony. Someone to hold your hand while ice-skating. Someone to squeeze your thigh at the movie theater. Someone to drag you onstage at a karaoke bar and take the wheel during a road trip and spoil you at your favorite restaurant.

Almost relationships mean disappointment. They mean getting your hopes up and having them come barreling down. They mean letting your high expectations drop miles below their original level. They mean wasted time and tears and unanswerable questions.

Whenever he makes promises, he keeps them.

When you accidentally brush up against each other while sitting side-by-side. And neither of you inch away to establish your person space, because you can’t stand the absence of each other’s skin.

“I tore the bag open and out flopped a fully developed, completely green, dead baby, with a very smushed head. You can imagine my shock; opening the bag, expecting to find shoes, clothes, maybe a wallet, and instead a tiny human plopping out.”

“We were only out there for about a minute. When we came back in, there was blood on the walls! Little drops of blood on every wall on the first floor, and some on the walls on the second floor. “

Find out what stirs the adrenaline that’s been hibernating in your veins. Find out what convinces you to stay up until 3 AM and wake up at 5 AM. Find out what puts the suicidal thoughts to rest and gives you a burst of appreciation for the living.

I don’t want the high your smile gives me if it means that one day, I’m going to crash. Because I can’t handle the aftermath.

Capricorn: You have a habit of listening to your head over your heart. Even though your body is telling you to go after the person you love, your mind is warning you to back off. It’s listing all of the things that could go wrong. It’s convincing you that you’re better off alone.

How much effort he puts into making you happy.

You don’t reveal your secrets anymore. You get screwed over every time you open up to someone, so you’ve closed yourself off. It’s better that way.

You’re staying up until 2 AM for the wrong reasons. Because you’re wasted. Because you’re heartbroken. Because you’re bored and lonely and scrolling through social media until you’re forced to surrender to sleep.

Before you see him, you shower. Shave. Slip into a skintight dress. Fill in your eyebrows. Paint your lips. And when you meet up with him, he’s wearing the same T-shirt he wore the last time you saw him.

The woman’s whimpering rose to muffled screaming as a gloved hand reached out with the rusted knife. Pushed back her pretty hair, damp at the roots with blood. That hand dug into her ear, slicing off a chunk, taking a golden hoop and an industrial bar along with it. She was still squealing as the hand picked up the skin and flipped it back and forth in front of the phone camera, like he was a magician showing off a card.

Capricorn: There will be books everywhere. Oversized, wooden desks. A floor-standing globe. Maybe even a typewriter.