You Were Toxic, But You Made Me Feel Alive

Unsplash, Seth Doyle
Unsplash, Seth Doyle

You were so fucking wrong for me, but every second with you felt dangerously right.

I couldn’t believe a word that dropped from your lips, but you looked so pretty while you spoke. I couldn’t trust that you were what you claimed you were, but I let myself buy into your act for the good of us both. I couldn’t imagine a future with you, but the future was so far off and the now felt too euphoric. I didn’t want to let it go.

You were toxic, but you made me feel alive. You gave me a reason to look forward to tomorrow. To dress up in my flirtiest skirt and slip into my laciest bra. To post Instagram photos that would make you jealous and read your lust-driven comments.

You were unexpected. Untamed. Unpredictable. I never knew what would happen when we were together. If our conversations would lead to dinner at the diner or to me escaping to the bathroom for a cry.

But the rough days didn’t matter. The tears could be wiped away, the cuts could heal. Besides, I was happy, even when I was miserable. At least I was feeling something. At least I was living.

You made me feel like I had a reason to climb out of bed in the morning. A reason to smile into the mirror. A reason to exist.

What we had — whatever the hell we had — was never boring. Painful? Depressing? Damaging? Yes. But never boring.

And I think that’s why we keep toxic people around. Because we’re worried that a healthy relationship will be too bland. That the lust and excitement won’t follow us into a stable relationship. That there won’t be any public quickies and neck kisses, unless they’re balanced out with ugly fights and screaming matches.

But that’s wrong. There’s someone out there that will tip the scale toward happiness. Someone that will convince you that you’re having fun, even when you’re walking through the grocery store, shopping for toilet paper. There’s someone out there that will bring excitement into your life without dragging darkness along with him.

You don’t have to settle for a love that consists of high highs and low lows. Or a love that’s mediocre all the way through. You can have the good without the bad. The beauty without the beast.

Toxic boys might make you feel alive for a minute. But the right boy will make you feel alive for a lifetime. TC mark 

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