Chelsea Fagan

“You look like a clown,” a hater hisses upon seeing your turquoise eyeshadow. “I look like a mermaid,” you respond, flawlessly.

You want them on everything. You want them in all patterns, all colors, all fabrics.

You catch yourself giving sage, almost weary advice to girls who are no more than two years younger than you. (You punctuate this advice with, “You’re so young.”)

Buying an ice cream with some kind of chunks in it and proceeding to excavate all the chunks out and then leave the rest of the ice cream in the freezer for the next few months.

Walking around the store and just sort of… putting something back on the shelf, about a half mile from where it’s supposed to go, in full view of an employee.

Owning a Bebe bandage dress, and spending the whole night alternating between “feeling sexy” and “pulling it down your thighs because it keeps riding up.”

Finding a family is a lot like online dating, and you can set your own terms before you decide on one.

An outfit consisting of a chunky sweater, leggings or skinny jeans, riding boots, and an oversized scarf.

A childhood in the south is an interesting thing. It provides a very clear picture of the kind of America most northerners make fun of, but often don’t understand.

This is one of the most basic items in a Grown Man™’s house, but it is one of the most important.

It’s hard to say whether or not this guy counts as someone you “dated,” because all parties involved know that it was just a glorified booty call that occasionally bled into dinners together at cheap diners.

You have mastered the art of “coordinating what you order at restaurants so that the two of you can share and maximize your tasting opportunities.”

Positioning themselves in the light to look most like their flattering profile photo, as well as hoping against hope that their date will be as good-looking as promised, they can barely contain themselves.

So what, for you, is the best opening line that you’ve ever seen? Something that made the person laugh, smile, or at least just not feel like they were being hit on by a joke book?

“People are going to talk behind your back no matter what you do, and no matter how old you are.”

In a moment of emotion, allowing your personal problems to leak onto social media in a very un-personal way.

“Can I have a dry soy cappuccino?”

The 23-year-old PR intern named Cara with shiny hair who only wears J Crew, Club Monaco, and, when she’s slumming it, GAP.