1. The Barnacle
This person has been glued to their seat since at least five PM, if not more, and they are not moving. They just kind of linger in the corner and survey the landscape, like a German tourist on a safari who is interested in the wildlife but much too afraid to shoot anything. They aren’t going to get up to dance, they aren’t going to open a conversation with anyone, they’re just gonna hang out with their whiskey soda for a while, maybe Instagram a “look how bored I am” selfie, and then complain that the bar was totally dead.
2. The “Waiting For Someone”
This person is very clearly waiting for their online date to arrive, and are filled with anxiety about it all. Positioning themselves in the light to look most like their flattering profile photo, as well as hoping against hope that their date will be as good-looking as promised, they can barely contain themselves. They attempt to finish their first glass of wine before the date arrives so they can send the empty glass back and pretend they didn’t have one, and look around shiftily at everyone who walks in the door. Don’t approach them suddenly, they will throw their drink on you.
3. The Rebounder
The Rebounder is on a mission — they have just broken up, and all of the inhibitions they usually bring with them to the bar have melted away, replaced by a sudden desire to hit on the bartender and let people buy them drinks. Usually this person has been in a relationship for the better part of their adult lives, haven’t left the town all that often, and aren’t particularly sure how to function now that they’re single. “Get Lucky” will come over the speakers and, like a crazed medieval peasant during the Dancing Plague, they will look around them frantically for someone to grind on. Don’t throw off their game, they are trying to repair their broken heart.
4. The Try-Hard
This guy (okay, let’s be gender neutral for the sake of political correctness, but it’s a guy) is a walking dictionary of bad pickup lines, and he has bounded in from the office in order to yell them at unsuspecting people and insert himself into conversations. The sun hasn’t even set, and he is already on full blast.
5. The Dancing Girls
They form an impenetrable circle, dancing and waving their hands around and taking up the center of the dance floor with vigor even though literally no one else is trying to come dance. The DJ is still setting up and has his “sitting at the bar eating chicken tenders” standby mix on, and they are breaking it down and building it back up under the lights. It doesn’t matter that it’s 6:30, these girls have been working all day, and they’re ready to punish their foot blisters even further to the sounds of Pitbull.
6. The “Just Here For The Food”
Don’t talk to her. She is hunched over her mozzarella sticks like a polar bear mother over her cubs, and she is not interested in talking.
7. The “Gonna Steal Your Prospects” Bartender
There are certain bars that you just can’t go to if you’re looking to pick up a girl or even talk to someone without them glancing over to the bar every five seconds, because they are staffed with a guy behind the counter who looks like a combination of a salsa dancer and a sexy mechanic. He doesn’t even have to try, he just cracks a half-smile while pouring her margarita, and she’s going to spend the rest of her happy hour leaving him egregious tips and hoping that he will talk to her. His mystery is his charm, and you don’t stand a chance, because there’s nothing mysterious about you (and you don’t have access to limitless cocktails).
8. The “How Dare You Speak To Me”
This person is going to yell at you about how they are not interested, despite not having any clue what you were actually trying to say. They are the self-preservating single person, and your asking if that seat is taken is going to be answered with a bitter look and an unmistakable “I’m just trying to enjoy myself.” They believe that the whole world is hitting on them, regardless of whether or not anyone actually is. So get ready to get yelled at.
One Bar. One Night. Ten Singles. Watch the Series Premiere of Mixology Wednesday, February 26th 9:30|8:30c on ABC!