Ari Eastman

Your friends know that if they tap you on the shoulder unexpectedly, it results in a blood-curdling scream.

You’re not quick to shut anyone out, no matter how painful or upsetting a situation might be. And that’s a special kind of bravery.

You can literally hide from people whenever you want.

Cringing at the Plague-like germ count on airplanes.

People will accuse you of wearing rose-colored glasses, but maybe they’re just jealous that they don’t have a pair.

For a while, I used to hope something would change my mind. I’ve fantasized about finding religion in some romanticized way, like those washed up actors who suddenly have a mid-life epiphany. They spout Bible verses like everything finally makes sense.

You think that if you haven’t found your exact passions, your perfect career, or your clear-cut path you’re not doing life correctly? Who says such a thing even exists?

The new girl looks nothing like me. She probably tastes like stability and clean laundry. I bet she’s never forgotten to take her Zoloft in the morning, or cried at Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog.

Women who grew up with fathers who listened to them are much less likely to put up with, for a lack of better word, f*ckboys.

“We had tickets to a Broadway show. I ate something that disagreed with me and shit my pants while running to the bathroom. And to make matters worse, I was wearing a thong.”

Just because you trust someone doesn’t mean you won’t have very human moments of jealousy. Everyone does. Put miles between you and your honey? It’ll amplify that feeling from time to time. But talking it through, and recognizing when you’re feeling irrationally, is important in making it work.

You are convinced you’ve gained 1,000 pounds within 24 hours. You’re a monster. You’re hideous. You’re unlovable. You’re so bloated that you feel like you’re smuggling a giant balloon under your shirt. WILL YOU ALWAYS BE THIS WAY? IS THIS HOW YOU LOOK NOW? FOREVER???

I still flinch when I hear your name.
Did you know,
it’s been four years since we’ve kissed?
I’m on fire
and still dream of you once a week.

Every now and then, something bad happens and that’s just it. It happened.

“I love you as much as Bernie Sanders hates wall street.”

Notice how entirely unimpressed she is. But you know she’s just playing the game.

You still can’t get over jeggings. Seriously, leggings that look like jeans? MOVE OVER EINSTEIN, BECAUSE THAT SHIT IS GENIUS.

You buy me black leggings that are soft
and fleece because you know I hate wearing jeans.
You tell me you’re thinking of me when it’s 3’oclock.
We get into an argument and my sailor mouth is flying,
you still say, “I love you” before we hang up.