You Should Date The Girl Who Is Dead Inside

So you’re tired of complicated women, right? I mean, damn. Can’t blame ya! How do any of you put up with all of our ~*~*emotions~*~* and feelings? Sounds annoying as hell. (Don’t worry, yours are fine though. As long as you’ve got a Y chromosome, it scientifically cancels out the crazy.) But the good news is that there ARE women out there for you. The kind of women you’ve been searching for: women who don’t require any work!

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Date the girl who is dead inside.

See her across the way in a bar and try to figure out what she’s drinking. Maybe you can pull some smooth Will Smith shit and casually order her another one. Start thinking about Hitch. Damn, that was a pretty good movie. Hey, what’s Kevin James up to these days?

Motion the bartender to send her a gin and tonic. It’s not what she’s drinking, but who cares! You’re still thoughtful as f*ck. She’ll appreciate the gesture.

Notice how entirely unimpressed she is. But you know she’s just playing the game. You don’t like things that come too easily. God forbid a woman go for what she wants right away. Everyone knows ambition is super unattractive. Ugh.

…Although you kind of wish she’d acknowledge you at least a little bit. You did send her a drink. That deserves AT LEAST some light fondling of your dick. You guess you’d settle for a “Hello.”

She’s not getting the hint, so you figure you better let your liquid courage shine and approach her. She’s just so intimidating though, limply sitting there with her waxy alabaster skin and sunken cheeks. But you’ve got this. Go get your girl.

Clear your throat and mumble a sexually charged, “H-Hi.”


She’s still playing hard to get. She’s not even making eye contact with you. God damn ungrateful bitch! Wait, no. Maybe she can’t hear you?? All the buzzing of the bar might be drowning you out. Try touching her this time. That’s a good idea.

Put your uninvited hand on her shoulder and watch her slump over. Someone’s been hitting the sauce a little too hard, huh? But you’re still going to continue talking to her. It’s kind of nice. She isn’t talking over you, interrupting, making it all about her. You feel so close to her. It’s like you’re the only two people in the entire world.

Lean in and sniff her neck. Because this isn’t at all weird to do to a stranger. She smells kind of like that dead rat you saw on the corner of 42nd Street and Broadway. You love how different she is. She’s not like all those other girls. You’ve finally found a keeper.

Ask her if she’d like to go back to your place. A fly starts humming above her head. Tell her you’ve got a good feeling about this.

Whisper into her ear before whisking her off to start a beautiful life together,

“You’re just so uncomplicated.” Thought Catalog Logo Mark

✨ real(ly not) chill. poet. writer. mental health activist. mama shark. ✨

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