10. Because He Feels Unloved

I get happy-ending massages. My wife has no sex drive whatsoever. My marriage feels so lonely. There’s affection, but no spark in her eyes, no kissing, no desire. She understands that I want there to be physical intimacy in the relationship, but she doesn’t see the point. I’ve made it very clear (through counseling) how it makes me feel unloved.

I would have left except that she has shown herself to be unable to care for our children when I’m away. If I’m away on business for a week, the kids will miss one or two days of school and will be behind on their homework when I come back.

Paying women for an erotic experience helps fill the gap somewhat. There’s no emotional attachment, but at least I get to be with another person and get a sense of what it would be like to have a normal, full relationship with my wife.

My wife has said before that she wouldn’t mind if I slept with another woman, except that she would be uncomfortable that it would lead to me having feelings for the other woman. I wish she would see that this argument also means that an intimate relationship between her and me might deepen our feelings for each other.

So I pay women for erotic massage. I don’t go as far as oral sex or full intercourse. There’s no risk of a romance developing. It seems to be within the bounds of what my wife had suggested, but I’m not going to tell her about it.

11. Some Things You Can’t Take Back

I cheated on my first wife repeatedly out of anger, frustration, immaturity, and a whole host of other reasons. Then my wife died of cancer. Now I spend every day since living with the guilt and shame which is 100 times worse than anything that happened before. Never again.