12. She Gained Weight, He Developed A Sex Addiction
I had a relationship with this great, loving girl who always helped me through my problems and helped me get out of the cycle of drugs and violence and gangs that dominated my late teens and early 20s.
I owe my life to her. Let’s call her Kaitlin. After 7 months of dating, Kaitlin had started to gain weight, at first it was only 5-10 pounds, but then one month she must have gained almost 20-30 pounds. It was awful to see her self esteem completely destroyed, but the worst was that I wasn’t physically attracted to her. I was a male stripper at the time and had a great body, and she was 40 pounds overweight and a lot of it had gone straight to her face. She was, for lack of a better word, ugly.
I still cared and loved for her, but I did not to satisfy my physical needs and she was not willing to have sex as much because she was embarrassed about her body. I ended up giving in, I had to get some kind of pleasure somehow. One night, at my job, I couldn’t control myself and ended up receiving a blowjob from one of the other male strippers. I’m not attracted to men, but I wasn’t completely against it either. I felt awful, but it opened my eyes to how easy it would be to cheat as long as I kept the people I cheated with away from my circle of friends and especially away from Kaitlin.
I would go to bars and clubs in Manhattan and pick up random girls, usually NYU students, and have sex with them in their dorms. I would always give a fake name and number, and it became relatively easy to traverse the city a few times a night and have sex with random people. I developed somewhat of an addiction to this, and I felt horrible but I also knew that I felt no feelings for the girls, I simply would use them and then go back to my loving Kaitlin at my apartment.
It got bad, really bad. I was spending too much time in the city, and my cocaine addiction came roaring back full force. Kaitlin gained another 20 pounds over the span of three months, and cried daily while I would go to the city nearly every night.
It became easier to go to gay bars, as I said earlier I have no attraction to men, but I have no ill feelings towards receiving sexual favors. Kaitlin had become distant to me, I told her I worked nights when in reality I was cheating on her with different women and men every night. Then, one night, while I was drunk and on cocaine, I ran into a close friend of Kaitlin’s who saw me in a bathroom stall with a man, receiving a blowjob.
Everything came crashing down on me like a hurricane. Kaitlin found out that night. Kaitlin sent me a text message that she had found out, and that she might kill herself. I thought about killing myself as well when I got the message, and I actually got to my apartment with those thoughts rushing through my head. I didn’t, she didn’t, and we simply didn’t talk for three weeks. No communication except for that one text “Maria said she found you getting a blowjob in a bathroom stall, I might kill myself”.
She thought I was gay which was the worst part. She thought I was just using her to make people think I was straight. That the whole relationship was a broken mirror. She gained even more weight, at this point she was maybe 230lb 5’5. I went to her apartment after three weeks and explained everything. I just let my heart out to her as honestly as I possibly could. I didn’t care if she didn’t want me back, but I wanted her to know that our relationship WAS real, and that none of my love to her was fake.
She called me a junkie macho asshole, and broke a coffee mug over my head.
I haven’t spoken or heard from Kaitlin since.