17. THIS IS HORRIFYING.

My cousin is a CO at a state prison. He told me, Some guys act crazy just to get out of general population, but some are actually bat shit insane. They had one prisoner who had pica. He would eat so many dangerous things that he would need surgery weekly. He had his stomach cut open so often that the surgeons installed a temporary zipper on his abdomen for easier access. The man managed to get out of his restraints and undid the zipper. The CO on duty went to check on him and he was playing with his small intestines.

Also he told me that some of the sickest criminals don’t look like you’d expect. That gangbanger in the corner might be in for writing bad checks, but that old guy with a cane and a limp killed 6 people.

18. Another example of the corrupt jail system.

I was in an open bay dorm with a guy that was bit by a brown recluse spider somewhere in the head. He had his head all wrapped up in bandages. He kept going up to the officer’s station saying he was having a hard time breathing. They told him to go back to his rack or they would put him in confinement. He ended up dead by morning. Turns out he was allergic to whatever meds they gave him for the infection. This was in the Florida prison system.

19. A funny moment in a rather morbid experience.

When I caught the bus to go to prison from county, I was the only white guy. When we got there, strip searches ensued. When asked to bend over and spread ’em, we all complied except one very large, buff black man. In the highest pitched voice you could imagine come out of a monster of a man, he said, verbatim: “SAY WHAT? My chick don’t even see my asshole! Why you got to?” funniest shit I have ever heard in such a tense awkward moment.

20. Oh, you’re going to throw in a thermos too? Why didn’t you say so??

I was in the prison in Azerbaijan, the craziest thing were the prices for sex. Since people were very poor and some starving, some would do anything for food or money. Like a hand job would cost $1, a blow job $5, one guys was offered $10 for sex he refused… then they added a thermos! (a f.. thermos!) So he agreed. $10 and a thermos it was.

21. Somehow this guy managed to bamboozle the entire prison staff.

This is a pretty badass story my old boss told me. This 18 year old from Ontario was given life in prison for murder. Long story short, he spends a lot of his time in solitary for getting caught with cigarettes and other prohibited items. This kid is pretty smart and likes to fuck with the prison staff. He uses wire from the springs in the bed to make a hook he can lower out the window where other inmates in the yard would place a cigarette on the wire. So every day the guards walk past this kids room and smell smoke. When they go inside to stop him, the kid puts out his smoke and flicks it at them while telling them to fuck off. The guards search this kids room over and over and they can’t find anything that explains how this kid is getting and lighting smokes. It turns out the kid unscrews the light bulb and uses the electrical charge to light the smoke (this could have easily have killed or seriously harmed him) The guards really start to get pissed off and the relocate him to a new cell. The warden tells the kid they are going to search his old room, but he confidently claims they won’t find a thing. The turn the room over until they finally decide to take apart the bed frame. Inside one of the hollow legs is a note that says “I told you that you wouldn’t find a fucking thing.”