8. The things people will do once they get into prison…

Prison was never as bad as jail. People in prison usually man up and get with it after a month because we have to. But in jail, there’s a bunch of candy ass kids who usually spend time all day on the phone with friends and girlfriends, crying most of the time. The most pathetic sight was seeing what some of these kids would do to get food. I saw a kid come in to serve 30 DAYS for DUI and after a week he was giving hand jobs in the shower for soups. Those drug addicts are pathetic sights once they can’t get their fix.

9. This guy got sentenced to jail for the dumbest “crime.”

In September I went to jail for a day because I didn’t have enough money to pay at my arraignment. I was put in a holding cell with 5-6 other dudes who were waiting to either see the judge, or get transferred to Wayne County’s jail. While I was hanging out in there, I spoke to a black guy who looked very similar to Michael Clarke Duncan from The Green Mile. He told me he was in jail due to contempt of court.

When I asked him to elaborate, he told me how he took a bus to his sentencing as he didn’t have a car. In Dearborn’s courthouse, you’re not allowed to bring any cell phones with you, as they must be kept in a car or what have you. He didn’t want to leave his outside, so he actually put it in his ass. Yeah. He put his fucking phone up his ass.

So he’s in court, waiting for the other people to get sentenced, or whatever, when his phone starts to go off. Loudly. Pissed, the judge stops the session and yells, “who’s phone is going off?” Black dude raises his hand and the judge tells him to stand up. “Get your phone and turn it off immediately!” he screams. Slowly, the guy reaches into the back of his pants…

He got sentenced 10 days in jail for that.

10. This guy was in jail with the serial stabber from Flint, Michigan.

There was a serial stabber in Flint, Michigan a couple of summers ago. A friend of mine went to jail for awhile and his cell was right above his. They’d have conversation ranging from hating black people to politics to food. Apparently he’d snap from totally normal to a totally racist crazy.

I hope I never go to jail.

11. A loophole I never expected prisoners to use.

I did five years in Feds, and while I was waiting for a ConAir flight, I was at MDC Brooklyn for a few months during the summer. I was on Six South and in the “rec room” you could look down and see the rec room of the female floor one floor below, through a very thick wire screen.

The guys hooked up a car out of dental floss from the sixth to the fifth and did the following: they would jerk off into a tissue, send it down the car, and one of the female detainees would, er..stuff it up there. If a Fed detainee gets pregnant inside, chances are she walks.

So the rec room eventually became a load of guys jerking off into Kleenex and sending them down the car. A memory I will unfortunately carry with me forever.