1. Period. Shits. Like, pls chill, body. Pls. My uterus is already trying to murder me… I really do not need explosive diarrhea rn.
2. Getting unreasonably annoyed at any woman who says something like, “Idk! My period’s not that bad. It lasts like, 2 days. And I don’t get cramps.” FAREWELL, FELICIA. YOU CAN STFU NOW.
3. Feeling like you know exactly how old people or people in mental health wards feel because your doctors just don’t listen when you tell them how painful your periods are.
4. …And being truly stupefied by the fact that over-the-counter ibuprofen and birth control pills are the only available “solutions.”
5. …Especially since you have this verrrrrrry eerie suspicion that if men had to consistently experience this much pain on a monthly basis, we would’ve solved the problem a hundred years ago.
6. The earth-shattering moment when you prance into the bathroom feeling as dry as can be… only to pull your pants down and find that you’ve decimated your favorite underwear.
7. Getting so irrationally emotional that losing your hairbrush might could legit make you weep.
8. Being genuinely concerned the enormous blood clot that just plopped into the toilet is not a blood clot, at all! (It’s a fetus.)
9. Fearing that you may have to enlist a friend to perform casual removal surgery on the tampon your vagina has swallowed.
10. Going to sleep feeling like you’re wearing a goddamn diaper because in order to avoid staining your sheets, you’ve gotta wear a super-extra-triple-plus tampon AND a maxi pad.
11. …And then staining your sheets anyway. THE FUCK…
12. Being so, so incredibly hangry. Like, *could unhinge jaw and eat Triple Baconator in one mighty swallow* hangry.
13. Accidentally missing a birth control pill and then AYOOOO here comes ur period.
14. The crippling paranoia you must live with if you choose to wear white pants on a particularly heavy flow day.
15. Having to retire all your favorite underwear for a week. Yes, “period undies” are a very real thing.
16. …And learning that they’re a real thing only after destroying countless pairs of Hanky Pankys before swearing to NEVER again purchase the utter bullshit product that is a “thong panty liner.”
17. The anxiety that overtakes your body when your period appears out of nowhere are you’re forced to craft a makeshift tampon/pad.
18. …And the inevitably disheartening clean-up that results. Le miz.