Ryan O'Connell

Stop feeling sad for no reason. Stop placing all of your happiness into whether or not your crush will text you back. Stop feeling a vague sense of melancholy, something that you aren’t able to pinpoint but you know it’s there.

You’re not over this person probably because they could never love you back the way you wanted them to, the way you needed them to. They were a defective toy that couldn’t be fixed at the shop. This made you so angry and so sad and you tried just so damn hard and everyone knew it but it didn’t work.

Think about all the clothes you lent out to friends and never got back. Think about all the times you put in extra for lunch because everyone knew they could get away with paying less. No one’s getting away with anything anymore. You’ll see to that.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love a little bite in my make outs. However, my face is NOT a midnight snack. It’s not a plate of mozzarella sticks at three in the morning so please back the hell up.

A twentysomething’s idea of “work attire” can often be anything but. A button down you wore to your graduation matched with dirty black skinny jeans and boat shoes doesn’t exactly scream “401k” but whatever, we’re all cute and figuring it out!

If you’re unattractive but singing/strumming/banging on drums to a captivated audience, you immediately become screwable. Why is this? Why were so many women willing to sleep with Rod Stewart and Billy Joel and pretend like they weren’t sleeping with complete eyesores?

Men can be fat. Men can be Seth Rogen while women always have to be Katherine Heigl. Whaaaaat? I don’t get it! It’s not just in the movies either. I see a ton of real-life Knocked Up couples walking the streets and get a little sad.

So when do I get health insurance? Is that just a thing no one gets anymore? Is that a ludicrous thing to ask for? WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME? STOP IT!

Your Spring Boyfriend resembles the season itself: Gorgeous and quick. You’ll fall for them fast but they’ll be gone before you can say “Can you do that again?” You always want more of spring but you’re never going to get it.

While pop songs aren’t exactly known for being full of depth, Ke$ha’s little ditties take insipid to a whole new level. With her inane lyrics and slurred delivery, her vocal stylings can often resemble that of a drunk toddler.

Halloween didn’t stand a chance with twentysomethings. It was made to be perverted and freaky. Today, just going trick-or-treating sounds ridiculously twee. “Oh my god, let’s get candy and stay up all night getting a sugar high and watching scary movies!”

You know what’s the # 1 thing closeted guys like to say after hooking up with gay dudes? “I’m straight!” That or they cry. I had one straight guy who literally began to sob after he orgasmed with me.

I don’t want to be friends with you because you don’t get it. I don’t know how to make you get it. If I could bottle “GETTING IT” and sell it at the Friendship Store, I would but I can’t.

What do I need to do tomorrow? I know I have to fill out my W9, and go fax some stuff. I should probably do some laundry too. I don’t have any clean clothes and its embarrassing. Oh wait, am I still making out with someone?

Dump someone if it feels like a lot of work, if it feels like you should be getting paid for babysitting whenever you’re together or if you feel like your best is never good enough. You’re probably with someone who has violent insecurities.

The last time I saw it was at a midnight showing at IFC Center. I was going on a date with someone I didn’t really know and we both decided to get super high beforehand. Big mistake.

I’m in love with you because you’re my best friend. When people hesitate to call their partner their best friend, I’m incredulous as to why. Shouldn’t we all be falling in love with our best friend? By saying this, we’re not diminishing the value of our platonic friendships.

Truth be told, I kind of love Avril. She makes unabashed catchy pop and makes no bones about the fact that she’s sort of a joke. But I can’t, won’t, don’t get behind the atrocity that is “Girlfriend.”