“Farewell” — I may have said it to you many times but I never really meant it, I said it because you didn’t feel the same way and I had to let you go, as if by saying it I was affirming the idea in my head that I am over you and finally letting go. But then you always managed to find your way back in, or I always managed to find a way to let you back in, every time convincing myself that this time will be different, that maybe this time you will get to see what I see, or maybe this time you changed your mind, or I could make you change your mind, but it was always the same scenario, the same ending, the same disappointment, the same heartbreak and the same resentment.
It feels like I was giving you a chance to break my heart again every time, yet you always held a special place in my heart, and I always thought of you at the most random times and in the most random places and the thought of you always made me smile.
I remember everything you tell me, I remember every minute of our time together, I remember it all and I always remember you. You don’t know how many times I hold the phone wanting to call you but then I put it away, you don’t know how many songs I always wanted to send you and tell you that this is how I feel but then I stop listening to it, and you don’t know that every time I hang out with a new guy, all I can think of is why he’s not you.
There is something magical about you, I believe. My friends always told me that they don’t understand what I saw in you or why I’m so hung up on you, and I never knew what to tell them because I don’t even know the answer to that. I know I see something they don’t see; isn’t that how love works? But love is also blind. I still have this image of you in my head that’s just wonderful, that makes me believe there is more to you, that makes me believe that you are much kinder than you act, that beneath this cold exterior lies a heart of gold, a beautiful soul, a caring heart and a very loving person.
I tried so many times to dig through your depths, but you wouldn’t even let me scratch the surface. I never said anything because I enjoyed these moments with you more than I enjoyed my entire life, and I didn’t want to believe that they are over, that they won’t happen again, so I thought maybe if I stuck around; you will finally trust me and open up to me, little did I know that nothing will ever open your heart and maybe no one ever will.
One of the worst feelings in the world is when you’re looking at someone with so much passion and that person is standing there unaware of your existence, how can someone be so close yet so far?
And I guess after all these words that were left unsaid, after all these rejections, after all these failed attempts and after all these heart breaks, I just got cold and silent. I would have preferred you gave me the chance to say all the stuff I wanted to say knowing that I have a whole book about you inside of me instead of shutting me off because that made me loathe everything about you and wished I’d never met you that summer day.
So I am saying “farewell” to you because I need to love myself, I need to be with someone who wants to be with me, who goes the extra mile, who doesn’t require years to let me in, who doesn’t disappoint me all the time, and I think I came to the obvious conclusion that you are not that one and I don’t think you’ll ever be. I think I need to do this right, this is not like all the other times I said I would let you go and I didn’t because this time I am putting myself first.
I am seeing myself the way I saw you, I am loving myself the way I loved you, I am accepting myself the way I accepted you.
So farewell, to you, to your memories, to your pain, to your heartbreak, to your disappointments, and to your friendship. You made me believe in love, you made me believe that I am capable of loving someone with all my heart, you made me realize that I am loyal and that I don’t give up on love that easily.
But the biggest lesson you taught me was how to believe in myself, and love myself enough to walk away from someone who couldn’t even give me a little bit of his heart. You made me understand that life wins sometimes, that no matter how hard you try, some things will never happen, that even when you want something, it may not always belong to you, that butterflies, sparks and sprinting heartbeats don’t always end up in a fairytale.
So this is my final farewell to you; your lesson is learned, your chapter is over, the page needs to be flipped or torn and I need to start over. But I wish you knew how much you meant to me and how you made me feel. I wish you knew that no matter how broken I was, I was still willing to fix you. I wish you knew so many things, but now when I think about it, I don’t think it would’ve mattered to you. If you didn’t know it all along then you never will. Even though you will always be the one that got away, I am glad now that you got away, you belong there — away from me.