Rachel Hodin

8. He has made plans a month in advance and you’re not invited.

15. Tapas.

6. You’re a “DJ.”

Unless you can wow me with an awesome trick, like stashing coins in your beard or growing goji berries in it, I want it GONE.

No one wants a degenerate sleeping in their bed; if you’re the guest at a adult sleepover, set your alarm for 9:30 so as not to reveal that you’re a complete waste of life. Walk into the kitchen yawning and be all “I just CANT sleep past 10am these days!” Then, when she’s not looking, get the fuck home and back to sleep.

You’ve been warned.

She’s the type of gal who never says no to “Would you like bacon with that?”

9. Construction workers, up yonder.

I learned that it’s always startling if any stranger tries to talk to you in a bank, but exceedingly more startling if they whisper “nice ass…” It’s like, do you want my number? My pin? Because it’s unclear.

You say the shower is for washing? I say it’s for peeing. Dare to tell me otherwise and you’re liable to get peed on.

As a pedestrian in London, you don’t have the right of way. Which is always beneficial if you’re looking to get run over.

2. Take the blame for farting.

There’s nothing that makes me quiver more than a drug dealer entering my private home and asking, “Mind if I use the restroom?” Fact is, buddy, I DO mind.

10. Make sure your lips are always chapped by constantly licking them and never applying chap stick.

6. Hey! This one’s funny! Mostly because if you look away or close your eyes, you’ll still see it in your nightmares! HEHE!

1. He hangs quick lefts.

Mariah liked to envelop herself in white silk lingerie in her white silk sheets and bedspread.

I’ve always mulled over its ethicality and it recently hit me that I may just be missing the point entirely. Because the point isn’t what you find when you snoop; the point is that you were driven to snoop in the first place.