1. When their girlfriend talks about an ex.
The rare moments that a boyfriend chooses to talk about his ex, I’m all ears. If it’s over the phone, then you can bet your ass I’m taking notes too. I want to be able to match an irritating personality to the face I have come to know so well through careful Facebook stalking. I want to know her hobbies, especially if they include field hockey, going to raves, or getting manicures. And, though I won’t admit it, I want to know her redeeming traits too so that i can obsess over a girl I hardly know when I’m bored.
But GOD FORBID we bring up an ex and it’s as if we’ve uttered “Voldemort” while announcing the coming apocalypse.
2. Making fun of their favorite video game.
A very hearty “good luck and godspeed” to all women out there who have deiced that today will be the day they’ll tell their boyfriend that hi addiction to Zelda 3 has made him into a sad excuse for a human being.
If your boyfriend should happen to lose the game after you’ve declared your stance, then I urge you to start running, due north, until you hit a body of water, swim across and then zip-line over to a remote island with no human population. Dude’s gonna be maaaaad.
3. When their sports team loses.
Is it wrong that merely putting this point on my list titillates me like nothing else? My titillation comes from the fact that, implicit in this point, is the fact that a man’s favorite sports team is a “little thing,” which in itself is enough to turn your man violent. Real quick, though: WHY is it that all men feel a sense of ownership over their favorite sports team? They refer to it as “my team” when in fact it isn’t “their team” at all, but rather Woody Johnson’s team. Perhaps loosing the reins a bit might make for a happier little Johnny Boy come Sunday when The Jets are murdered. I don’t know though—just a thought.
4. Witholding sex.
Not being in the mood for sex, regardless of the reason, will always be regarded by your boyfriend as a sadistic and strategic move on your part to make him suffer. You could be sick with H1N1 and your boyfriend would still see this as you withholding sex from him—intentionally and with ill-intent. And yet their anger over this is known to last a notoriously short period of time.
5. Telling them they have a big butt.
Found this one out the hard way: a big butt on a dude is significantly less funny to him than it is to you. Merely having a penis, it would seem, does not make someone impervious to fat jokes. And so as funny as a man with a big butt is, I recommend not pointing it out.
6. The WNBA.
The WNBA will always share a precious spot in men’s lexicon as the butt of every single joke. What I don’t understand is why it makes them mad. Tickled? I mean that’s definitely condescending, but sure. Weirded out? Okay, if thats really how it makes you feel. But mad? Why? Because women have the opportunity to pursue their lifelong athletic dreams too? Seems unfair—then again, what do I know?
7. Anything, when they’re hungry.
A hungry man, as opposed to a satiated one, has a much greater likelihood of reacting in an unreasonable or irrational manner. Hungry men are given to hastily and poorly-planned food orders; they’re given to loud, sweaty hissy fits; and violent road rage.
And despite all of its proven benefits too. Men have a knack for putting the joy of instant gratification over just about everything else in the world—especially if it’s to the detriment of their credit card bills. Accordingly, when it comes time to make the decision—condom or no condom?—all qualms tend to fly out the window. So a woman who insists on wearing a condom—who, essentially, obstructs a man’s finely paved path to instant gratification—will often cramp said man’s style.
9. When they feel like their girl is making them stay in.
Men like to be the decision-makers; the one with the final say or the last word, if you will. They’re fine with staying in on a weekend night, so long as it’s their decision. But try and refuse a house party invitation to make him stay home instead and all of a sudden you’re a homebody with no motivation. Right? No? Okay.
10. Girls who steal food off of their plates.
If you want to get on a dude’s bad side and get there fast, do this: go to a restaurant with him, tell him in a Shoshanna-from-Girls inflection “Oh no, I’m like so not hungry at all,” and then pick off his plate for the remainder of the meal. Maintaining a “shared-calories-are-zero-calories” mentality will should things along faster.
11. Girls who don’t eat.
Then again, duds will be more tolerable of a girl picking off his plate as opposed to a girl with a cricket’s appetite. Though guys do suffer from eating disorders, they’re less likely to compared to women and so in general tend to get frustrated over girls who don’t eat, rather than sympathetic.
12. Women’s hair strewn about their home.
Perhaps it signifies an invasion of privacy or an indication that they’re effeminate, but regardless they have little to no patience for women who leave their hair all over his place. It’s almost like marking your territory over a man (though often unintentionally) before he’s quite ready for full commitment.
13. Having to be the responsible one.
Men like to approach each Saturday night like it’s his last, which makes for an upsetting situation when they’re forced to be responsible and take care of their drunk girlfriend or homeboy for the night. It’s the distinct mixture of FOMO and cockblock that such instances tend to induce, which enrages them so.
14. Friends of friends who they don’t like.
It could be his longtime homie’s college friends, who have a predilection for yelling over rave music while shotgunning beers; or it could be his girlfriend’s friends who he finds annoying à la Adam from Girls. Most importantly, it’s the presence of unwanted humans and unwelcome personalities—ones who a close friend of his happens to adore.
Men are a hungry gender. They’re hungry pretty much all the time; hell, they’re even hungry wen they’re not hungry—I call it anticipated hunger, and it can make them extremely irritable. Which is why tapas—that cutesy, shareable, Spanish cuisine known for their diminutive-size plates will often leave men heated, and on the brink of a conniption. In times like these, men will get nervous and over-order, and then continue to remain silent—fixated on the waiter—throughout the entire meal.
Of course this doesn’t apply to all men—least of all gay men—but I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge the multitude of homophobes out there who have this strange ability to be offended by and upset over the mere presence of homosexuals. Ironically, such men are usually the gayest of all, exhibiting homophobia perhaps in hopes of turning themselves straight. I’ve seen such men on my morning commute shudder and then pick a fight with other men who happen to brush shoulders with them. These men typically interpret a crowded morning commute as a greater conspiracy to proselytize their sexuality.
17. Women with power.
It should be commonplace—the idea of women having male underlings—and yet for some it’s still not. In fact some men, perhaps those who work in typically male-dominated work environments, will scoff at any orders given to them by a female boss. The idea of a woman having more power than him can offend him in a Mad Men, 1950s, Mel Gibson kind-of-way.