1. The necessary conditions.
When you’re 25, sleepovers don’t just casually happen anymore. Sadly, it is no longer acceptable for our moms to arrange a sleepover for us weeks in advance. A sleepover at this age will only happen one of two ways.
- The natural way
- The emergency way
The “natural way” is a sleepover that takes shape spontaneously and due to unforeseen circumstances. For instance, you go out with your friend, get drunk, go back to her place because she promised you she has Talenti gelato, and then pass out on her couch. The good thing about this route is, in the morning, you can feign nonchalance and be all, “OMG, dude, I literally opened my eyes this morning and was like WHERE AM I” even though you remember every detail of the previous night and were actually intent on making an adult sleepover happen.
The second route you can take to securing an adult sleepover is the “emergency” route—as in, you’re experiencing something that could be seen as an emergency and so your friend offers you sleep at hers. Luckily, I arrive at my apartment last night to discover the heat was broken and so I was able to procure a spot in my best friend’s bed.
2. Bring at least one drug.
Just think of it as the 25-year-old equivalent to bringing your own sleeping bag or a sweet candy bar. When you’re in your 20s and having a sleepover, the pressure to make it a fun night weighs on you and your host equally. No longer do you just show up and ask, “so, what are we going to do? ” expecting her to whip out an array of movies and snacks. You make the fun. Ergo, you bring the drugs.
3. Be cool when your friend asks you to sleep on the couch.
As soon as I reached my finger in there, I knew I was a goner. “You know I can see you picking your nose…” my friend told me last night as I was laying under her covers, supine. “Umm, yeah…” I said self-consciously. It was hardly a surprise when, 10 minutes later, she asked me to sleep on the couch. “Yeah totally! ” I answered, a bit frazzled, weeping behind my stretched-out smile.
4. Be even cooler when she says she’ll sleep on the couch.
“Know what? Just sleep here, it’s totally fine, I’ll just sleep on the couch, ’ she told mea few minutes later. Was I relieved? That I didn’t have to get out of bed, certainly. But was I feeling any better about myself? Not exactly. I really can’t fathom a situation in which I would give up my own bed to a guest and willingly sleep on my couch unless the situation was dire.
5. Don’t disturb the natural order of things.
As a guest on an adult sleepover, you really must tread carefully. Be sure not to over-step your boundaries and tell her she looks really manic and OCD when she spends two hours alphabetizing her book collection. If she wants to play the new Taylor Swift song four times before going to bed, you just have to let it happen.
6. Take a butt selfie.
As the saying goes: when in doubt, look to Kim K. Just this past week Ms. Kardashian reminded us just how striking a butt selfie can be when she leisurely snapped one of her and her BFF Blac Chyna. I tried this out last night with my own BFF and we soon learned that taking butt selfies is never not fun.
7. Wake up early.
Hey, fun fact: after you turn 25, sleeping until 2pm is no longer fun. It’s actually really depressing and apparently uncommon. No one wants a degenerate sleeping in their bed; if you’re the guest at a adult sleepover, set your alarm for 9:30 so as not to reveal that you’re a complete waste of life. Walk into the kitchen yawning and be all “I just CANT sleep past 10am these days!” Then, when she’s not looking, get the fuck home and back to sleep.
8. Be okay with any filth.
What, you thought just because you guys are technically “adults” that your friend’s house would be clean? That’s a rookie mistake, and one I learned the hard way on a recent trip out of the country. I stayed with my best friend and herb boyfriend and the first time I went to use their bathroom there was an actual turn just chilling on the toilet seat. Was it a test from God? Maybe. And if so, then I passed because I kept mum and peed right over that shit.
9. Bring some sort of onesie.
An adult sleepover is one of the few activities you can do as an adult that will really highlight the lame person you have become, and the extent to which your standards for fun have depleted. The mere act of bringing a onesie will optimize your sleepovers tenfold—it’s just a fact.
10. Require deodorant.
Whether you’re the guest or the host, it’s crucial that you voice the necessity for deodorant. It’s easy, while fully lost in the jubilance of your sleepover, to forget that you’re a fully matured woman who’s subject to smelling like ass, and not a 12-year-old sour power addict. And there’s nothing scarier than being knocked out of this dreamscape by the stench of an armpit. Avoid these dismal and sobering moments by continuously writing “deodorant” in permanent marker on your hand.
11. Go for adult snacks (i.e. gin and juice).
A snippet from my sleepover last night
Friend [inspecting the juices she bought that day, while eyeing the wine]: Can you drink while juicing?
Me: Oh, I always drink and juice.
Then, we nibbled on some salted almonds. I call it: a portrait of two girls growing up.