1. Playing hard to get.
If you ever hear a woman shudder at the sound of a guy’s name or appear visibly revolted upon seeing him, it’s likely she has just slept with him. Unfortunate as it may be, there is something laced into the fabric of women that makes us repulsed by men who show interest and severely charmed by men who show zero interest. It makes for an unpleasant morning after.
2. Guys with girlfriends.
A slight, if exaggerated extension of “playing hard to get,” if you will. Except in this case the dude isn’t so much “playing” hard to get as he is literally hard to get. Women who are less compassionate and generally emit an IDGAF attitude are more likely to act on these feelings, but regardless, for many women, the appeal of a man with a girlfriend is a very real thing. Think about it: was anyone into Seal before he shtumped Heidi? How about Geoffrey Arend and Christina Hendricks? Salman Rushdie and every woman he has ever dated? Or Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts?
3. Radio silence.
Yet another extension of the “hard to get” approach, radio silence solidifies just how hard to get the man is b putting it into writing, or a lack thereof. And women tend to find this enticing, though there is no real answer as to why. Perhaps the answer lies in the fact that the man has barely spoken, and so hasn’t yet outed himself as a dolt.
4. A Channing Tatum look.
All I see is a bloated face with a palette expander.
There are scarcely any benefits to a man who likes to fight. His temper is clearly very high and his threshold low, he puts himself into situations where you’ll be forced to stay out much later than you wanted to, and he’s prone to violence—a trait that might not be easily stifled even when it comes to his woman.
Personally, I like my men physically soft and weak. If I can put them in a headlock, then all the better.
5. Being in a band.
The Great Sarah Silverman once said to a long-haired dude in her audience, “Are you in a band?” To which he responded “no…” “Then get a haircut,” she retorted.
Sarah taps into a real, widespread Jared Leto man bun type-of-problem here—one that is pervasive among men these days: a tendency to grow their hair out, in an attempt to look like they’re in a band, except they’re not. It’s misleading, duplicitous, and wrong, and it also speaks to why women should stop falling for a guy just because he’s “in a band.”
There is simply not enough room for both of our tears. Oh, and guys look weird when they cry.
7. A man in a suit.
The appeal of a man in a suit has always confounded me—first and foremost because the first man I ever saw in a suit was my father. But also because—I don’t know—it just screams less “chill guy” and more “Patrick Bateman, coke-fiend serial killer.”
8. Hair preference.
Any preference for hair that doesn’t sit on top of a dude’s head is an unwarranted preference—one which you have no authority to lay claim to. Why would you ever be attracted to a hairless, virginal- and teat-sucking-looking man? Conversely, how could one ever be happy waking up next to a man’s carpeted back?
Unless you can wow me with an awesome trick, like stashing coins in your beard or growing goji berries in it, I want it GONE.
10. Submissive shit.
This is kind of a chicken-and-egg quandary: Have some women always enjoyed being dominated in bed? Or did men introduce it to women, and then we subsequently grew fond of it? Either way, to each is own, but girls who like being dominated in bed kind of make it hard for the rest of us who don’t.
11. Truck drivers.
Don’t believe me? then go watch Teen Mom. Frankly I’m actually kind of impressed by a woman’s ability to find the silver linings in truck drivers. And I can’t really hate on them too much myself—I do, after all, morph into one every time I get my period.