1. He hangs quick lefts.
My ex and I had this longstanding joke where I’d be all, “Hey now, are you trying to lose me??” every time he’d hang a quick and abrupt left, without warning. It was always so funny…until he broke up with me.
2. He stops trying.
I don’t mean he gets to that farting state of comfort couples often hit after the 1-year mark. I mean he stops caring about everything. He forgets your birthday, and then forgets his own birthday. He re-uses toilet paper and throws out his clothes to avoid doing his laundry. He also makes absolutely no effort to last while having sex and when he finishes, he falls into a freakishly deep sleep for 15+ hours.
3. He stands you up.
This is the first lesson in Guy Is Losing You 101. The trick here is him going out of his way to ask you out, only to then stand you up. He’s trying to relay a message here, namely that’s he wants you gone.
4. He invites you over; gives you the wrong address.
Again, the key here is him going out of his way to invite you over. He wants you to feel hurt; neglected. In short, he wants to lose you.
5. He pulls the ol’ roof-and-run.
This is when you two are chilling at his place and he suggests you two go up to the roof with a, “You go ahead, I’ll follow.” Cut-to: he never follows and you, all alone up on his roof.
6. Whenever you two sleep together, he has a suitcase of his stuff next to the bed, neatly packed and ready to go at a moment’s notice.
When he sleeps over, he refuses to leave anything at your place. Instead, he always comes bearing a bag that suspiciously resembles a bag one might pack if they were 11-years-old and running away from home.
7. He pretends to be someone else.
You call him and he picks up, but as soon as he registers that it’s you he puts on his best granny voice and tells you that you have the wrong number.
8. He pulls a fast one on you, like so:
You’re at his place and you step out for a quick coffee. When you come back to his place and buzz up, a stranger comes to the door and tells you in an ominous tone that dude “hasn’t lived here for 25 years.”
9. He gets a face tattoo.
I just really can’t imagine any plausible circumstances one might want to get a face tattoo unless it’s to avoid human contact and to lower one’s level of appeal.
10. He always suggests to play hide-and-go-seek.
And not just in his or your apartment, but everywhere. He’s especially fond of that game when you guys take trips to places with high rape statistics such as Rwanda and West Virginia.
11. He keeps trying to get you to play his “fun” drinking game.
It goes a little something like this: you take 5 shots of whiskey, spin around 12 times, and then go to a crowded bar and see if you can find him. (Hint: typically, you cannot).
12. He keeps trying out different hypnotic techniques on you.
And everywhere he goes, he carries with him this hypnosis necklace. Just last week, you were zoning out while watching The Walking Dead and the next thing you knew dude was swaying this pendant necklace back and forth, and chanting weird Buddhist hymns.
13. He tries to sleep with your grandma.
When you try to have sex with him, he won’t have any of it. But 30 minutes later you find him in a room putting the moves on your grandma.
14. He goes incognito.
Out of the blue and without any warning, he dyes his hair a drastically different color, shaves off his mustache, and starts wearing reflective aviator glasses and a long black trench. Essentially, if you didn’t know him any better, you’d think he’s trying to become unrecognizable.