14 Steps To Being The Best Pedophile You Can Be

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Because pedophiles are people too, and they deserve at least a sliver of the attention we afford to 20-somethings. Also, there’s like a 60% chance they’ll end up on TV (re: Dateline NBC)!

1. To achieve that dry-looking, scabrous skin so common to pedophiles, you’ll want to lay a pepperoni pizza flat on your face for 10 minutes RIGHT before going to bed. Don’t touch it, just let it soak. Then remove the pepperoni slices and rub them on your t-zones.

2. Find a pair of spectacles that look CVS-manufactured. Then bump up your prescription three notches so that your eyes give off a threateningly magnified and bulging effect when you lay eyes on your prey.

3. Wash your hair no more than twice a week, optimizing its stringy appearance and oil intake.

4. Wherever you go, travel in a windowless van.

5. You’re in the car a lot, driving across state lines to see the untouched body of a virgin boy—use it to your advantage! Open the sun roof and let your scalp burn. It will create this awesome itchy, flaky effect.

6. Pants-wise, either wear a pair of grey, stained sweatpants that highlight your boner or tight dungarees that hike up at your crotch.

7. But regardless of the type of pants you’re wearing, they MUST be four inches too long on you. This ensures that you trip and fall after Chris Hansen has let you go and the cops start to run after you.

8. Throw on your best pair of dirty, white tube socks and white, hospital-looking sneakers.

9. I can’t believe I even have to dictate this one, but always, always, ALWAYS keep candy on your person.

10. Make sure your lips are always chapped by constantly licking them and never applying chap stick. Eventually you will (hopefully) cause a deep crimson rash to form around your mouth as if you drank too much orange soda.

11. Your facial hair should have the coarseness of pubic hairs and should be sporadically strewn across your face, even bleeding down onto your neck and Adam’s apple. Ingrown hairs should adorn your cheekbones.

12. Try to keep your nails as uncouth as possible. Avoid cutting them with a nail clipper; instead, let them break off and become jagged, uneven edges. And of course, there should always be dirt lodged deep under your nail plates.

13. Pairs Hilton had her dog. Tupac had his bandana. You have Mike’s Hard Lemonade. Embrace it.

14. When attempting to ensnare your prey, use uncomfortable- and ominous-sounding words like “dear,” “child,” and “pussycat.” TC mark

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