1. Bring her lube across state lines
This involves going to multiple drug stores to find the particular brand and type of lube that she needs, and then being totally chill when airport security empties out all of your belongings on the table for travelers everywhere to see.
2. Take the blame for farting
Perhaps you’re wing-manning and are in close quarters with you, your BFF, and a dude your BFF is into when your BFF decides to make a smelly fart. She’ll give you a “say-something-now” death-stare and, being the good best friend that you are, you’ll offer an, “Oops, I farted…” with a Fat Bastard accent. If you’re going to take the blame for it, you might as well make it funny too.
3. Smuggle her the morning-after pill when her mom is out
Sometimes you just gotta bite the bullet. And by bite I mean buy for your best friend and by bullet I mean the morning-after pill. Having to take the morning-after pill can be a traumatic experience. Lesson the load of promiscuous sex, douchey dudes, and strict parents by buying it for her.
4. Get the last of her clothes from her ex
In the wise words of 2Gether, “The hardest part of breaking up is getting back your stuff.” Which is why only your best friend will do this for you.
5. Giver her a breast examination
Even if you guys are only 16, as a good best friend you’ll appease her hypochondriasis and play around with her boobies for a full ten minutes until she’s convinced you’ve done a thorough breast exam.
6. Look at her poop
This is another case of appeasing your BFF’s hypochondriasis except a tad more…disgusting. If your BFF calls you and is all, “I think my poop is a weird color, will you come look at it for me?” you know what you have to do. Sadly, no one else will do it for her.
7. Bail her out of jail
There’s only one person you can call when you get arrested and that’s your best friend. K fine—two people: your best friend and your drug dealer. But unlike your drug dealer, your best friend won’t hang up until she’s bailed you out.
8. Rescue her from a bad date
You could be fully tucked in bed, watching Scandal and licking a jar of nutella—if your best friend texts you with the emergency code word you guys agreed on, you have no choice but to show up at the restaurant and pretend to be her jealous girlfriend.
9. Let her steal food off of your plate
And by that I mean share a piece of gum. And I don’t mean by splitting the stick in half.
10. Laugh really loudly at her horrible jokes…
…when you guys are on a Grouper. Because you guys got really high before and her jokes are blatantly stupid, but you know she hasn’t gotten laid in a couple months and you can’t deal with how cranky she’s been.
11. Let her share your clothing
And by clothing I mean underwear. And by underwear I mean thongs. Sigh…
12. Agree to go on a double date with her
Even though the dude you’ll be paired up with looks like Steve Buscemi with a crack addiction.
13. Show her your sex moves
Like, giver her a visual tutorial. Your best friend will be the girl to teach you that all you need to do is pretend it’s a banana froze fruit.
14. Proofread her 90-page dissertation
Because she’s so tired she’s practically bleeding from her eyes. You’ll be the only one with the courage to tell her when her ideas are good and when they really suck.
15. Hold her hair back for a whole night when she gets too drunk
Which inevitably means you’ll have to clean up her vomit too. And because you’re her best friend, you’ll also make sure she sleeps on her side because that’s what your health teacher always taught you. You’ll do this by keeping your foot lodged fully in her butt crack the entire night.
16. Swap places with her when she’s really unprepared for her biology exam
You know, like Tia and Tamara style? Because as best friends you guys will come to look alike too.
17. Rip off her at-home bikini wax strip
When she tries to give herself a bikini wax and doesn’t have the courage to pull off the strip, you as her best friend are obligated to come over and do it. And then afterwards buy her a gift card to Bliss Spa.
18. Lie to her
Only for your best friend will you resort to lying. Like when she decided to cut herself bangs and there’s nothing she can do about it, this is your chance to tell her she looks like Alexa Chung.
19. Tell her the bitter, hard truth
Like telling her she needs to go on a diet. This is what best friends are for.
20. Let her get with your ex
Of course this must be an ex for whom you no longer have any residual feelings, but an ex nonetheless.
21. Keep quiet when you know she’s lying
As her best friend you’ll know immediately when she’s lying. And sometimes, as her best friend, you gotta let her have her fun with it.