13. My Regrets

I wouldn’t go so far to say that I completely regret ever trying Crystal meth, but I do regret knowing all that I now know about it. I wish I didn’t know how unconditionally happy I can be. I wish I didn’t know how fun all people can be. I wish I didn’t know where to get it from. I wish I didn’t know how smart I can be on it. I wish I hadn’t spent all my money on it. I wish I didn’t know that if I wanted it, I could have it for free now. I wish I didn’t see things in the dark now. I wish I could fall asleep without thinking my heart is beating way too fast. I wish I wouldn’t wake up in the middle of the night chewing on my lips and cheeks. I wish I didn’t see people who know I used to use all the time. I wish they wouldn’t try to talk to me. I wish my friends didn’t think less of me. I wish my family never saw me crying in the corner. I wish my mom could still look at me the same. I wish I could just talk about it, like I am now, without clenching my teeth and picturing white smoke coming from my mouth. I wish I didn’t crave that white smoke. I wish I could drive at night, without things jumping out of the dark at me. I wish I didn’t have to turn every single light in my house on at all times. No, it’s not trying it that I regret, it’s the fact that I couldn’t stop at just trying. I had to keep doing it. And the fact that I couldn’t strike a balance between doing crystal, and living my life. It was one or the other. And now I realize that I chose the wrong one.