It’s Not You, It’s My Insecurities

It’s Not You, It’s My Insecurities

During a relationship, it’s hard to see what’s happening clearly. The fights regularly picked, checking their phone, passive aggressive actions, words unsaid.

But then the relationship crumbles, and in hindsight, it’s pretty clear what happened.

Or, maybe it’s not, and you simply hate the bastard. But I implore you to consider a different view.

We all have insecurities, especially in relationships. I mean, how could we not? If you’ve dated at all and had your heart broken, it’s hard not to internalize that there’s something wrong with you.

Or perhaps your insecurities lie in the times you were bullied at school. Maybe it’s deep-rooted beliefs your parents passed down to you.

Heck, I’ll go ahead and list out mine. Maybe you’ll pick out a couple that resonates with you:

I worry people think I’m dumb

I worry people will abandon me

I believe people won’t stick around when they learn about my struggles with mental illness

I think people look down on my career choices

Those are just a few, but hopefully, you understand what I mean by insecurities.

Basically, they’re all the things we don’t fully accept about ourselves and therefore couldn’t fathom another person accepting.

All too often, insecurities really mess up relationships. At first, they’re easy to ignore or at least keep secretly tucked away. But as soon as you begin to create a deeper connection with a person, they come rearing their ugly head in ways you might not even notice.

And before you know it, the small arguments you’re having are becoming bigger ones. Wondering if your partner misses their ex more than they like being with you becomes checking his phone any chance you get. Wanting to be loved becomes needing to be loved.

But this doesn’t have to be the case.

If you can see clearly that your insecurities may be the root of many of your issues, there’s still hope. There are ways to overcome these uncomfortable feelings and what’s even better is that doing so will benefit you in other aspects of your life than just your relationship.

So first, consider what the issues are.

The last thing I want to do is make anyone with legitimate relationship issues think it’s all in your head.

If your significant other has cheated on you, lied to you, acted deceptively or used their words to harm you intentionally, then that’s a whole different situation.

Because you most likely have insecurities, but they’re stemming from specific events or actions, and those aren’t the same.

But if your partner has given you no reason to distrust them or question their motives, then the culprit could be deep-rooted issues that you’re dealing with.

Reflect on where the feelings are coming from.

The next time you get the little pit in your stomach when your partner doesn’t compliment you on your new outfit, consider why that emotion is really coming up.

Do you really think your partner isn’t attracted to you? Or is there something more?

Apply this to any situation where you feel triggered or let down. Any moment where you feel like you can’t trust your partner or distant from them, take note of what you’re feeling.

Slow down and check in with yourself. Figure out what the deeper issue is that’s going on.

Attempting to fix your insecurities before you fully understand them is only going to make matters worse.

Cultivate some good feelings for yourself.

Most of our insecurities exist because we aren’t don’t even love ourselves.

It’s easy to think we’re not pretty, seek that out in our partner, become too reliant on that validation, and then for the other person to pull away.

How can we expect someone to appreciate something about us if we don’t even completely believe it?

So start by listing out all the reasons you think you’re badass. Write down all the parts of you that you find beautiful.

Begin a self-care routine. Give yourself the gifts you want others to give you. Become your own number one fan.

The more confident you feel about yourself, the more confident you’ll feel in the relationship.

Then remind yourself that your partner decided to date you.

Out of all the people your significant other knows, they chose to date you. They didn’t pull your name out of a hat and just stuck with you because of circumstances.

Your partner chose you.

And there are reasons why they chose you. Whether it be how funny you are, your ambition with your career, the way you selflessly help people or how beautiful you are, your partner is already interested in you.

There’s nothing to prove.

Re-establish your independence.

Getting caught up in a relationship is so easy — before you know it, months have passed since you saw your friends.

Or maybe you used to be an avid kickboxer before your relationship began. But over time, you started going less and less. Now, your gloves have been sitting in the trunk of your car and haven’t been touched for months.

Nothing instills confidence and banishes insecurities like creating your own life outside of your partner. Doing the things you love reminds you of who you are as an individual, not one half of a relationship.

Having hobbies and goals separate from your partner is important. It’s what will keep your self-improvement game healthy.

But in the end, trust yourself.

Trust that no matter what happens in the relationship, you will be ok. You will live to see a better life. You will be strong.

Because your insecurities may not just be a feeling. Those emotions could end up being a guide to help you realize that things are off. Maybe something else really is going on.

But you’ll never be able to realize what’s happening if you don’t trust yourself. And you’ll never be able to act on those feelings if you don’t trust that you’ll be ok.

Insecurities can be a silent demise to a perfectly healthy relationship. Projecting our feelings on to others is a natural human tendency.

But no one is perfect, and your relationship won’t be either.

Instead of focusing on what’s wrong and what others think, start focusing on what you feel about yourself. The more secure you are with yourself, the more confident you’ll be in all aspects of your life. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

About the author

Kirstie Taylor

Dating + Relationship Writer & Coach