30 Extremely Dirty Jokes You’ll Want To Tell Your Best Friends (But Never Your Parents)

If you’re not offended easily, these dirty jokes from Ask Reddit will have you busting a gut laughing.
A dirty picture
Unsplash / Lana Abie

1. Why did the sperm cross the road?

“Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.” — brutalanglosaxon

2. What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle?

“Wipe it off and say you’re sorry.” — Max_W_

3. Why do mice have such small balls?

“So few of them know how to dance.” — Jauncin

4. What do you do if your wife starts smoking?

“Slow down and possibly use some lubricant.” — ThouDanKing

5. A guy is sitting at the doctor’s office.

“The doctor walks in: ‘Sir, I have some bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.’

Patient: ‘I don’t understand, doc. Why?’

Doctor: ‘Because I’m trying to examine you.'” — 72scott72

6. What’s the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period?

“You get your palm red for free.” — Wedding_Bar_Fight

7. What’s worse than ants in your pants?

“Uncles.” — SirTurkTurkelton

8. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

“She gagged.” — WrittenRage

9. How do you know that you have a high sperm count?

“She has to chew before she swallows.” — exstatik

10. Three tampons are sitting at a bus stop. What do they say to each other?

“Nothing. They’re stuck up cunts.” — NuclearJesusMan

11. If a midget tells you your hair smells nice…

 “…is that sexual harassment?” — odies1971

12. How do you get a Nun pregnant?

“Dress her up as an altar boy.” — DrinkableCrisps 

13. Know what old pussy tastes like?

“Eh. Depends.” — kind2311

14. If women drink a glass of red wine, it increases the chance of a stroke.

“If she drinks the whole bottle, she might even give it a little suck.” — WeFeedBees

15. How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?

“…it’s not hard.” — hlckhrt

16. Why don’t pedophiles compete in races?

“They always come in a little behind.” — Whitefox07

17. Why does a mermaid wear seashells?

“Because she outgrew her B-shells!” — Gvanderv

18. What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

“I’ve never had a lentil on my chest.” — [deleted] 

19. Two deer walk out of a gay bar…

One says to the other, ‘Man, I can’t believe I blew forty bucks in there!'” — heyscruffalobill

20. A man is sitting at the bar, his head in his hands.

“Bartender: What’s the matter buddy?

Man: It’s the worst thing ever. I caught my wife in bed with my best friend.

Bartender: Oh man that really sucks! What did you do?

Man: I told her to pack her shit and get the hell out!

Bartender: What about your best friend?

Man: I looked him straight in the eyes and said BAD DOG!” — sinister_compliment

21. What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

“The taste.” — vietbond

22. What does Trisha put behind her ears to attract men?

“Her ankles.” — Aethestic_3103

23. What did one lesbian vampire say to another lesbian vampire?

“Same time next month?” — sputnikway

24. What’s the worst part about going down on your grandmother?

“Banging your head on the lid of the coffin.” — JJayerson

25. A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre.

“So he gives it to her.” — SonOfTheShire

26. What’s the difference between hungry and horny?

“Where you stick the cucumber.” — Blitz100

27. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a can?

“Because his wife died.” — WrittenRage

28. Three women are sitting at a bar arguing over who has the biggest vagina.

“The first girl says, ‘My boyfriend can fit a whole fist up there.’ The second girl says, ‘Ha, my boyfriend can fit two fists and a foot.’ The third girl just smiles as she slides down the bar stool.” — Belexa

29. What does a leper say after having sex with a prostitute?

“Keep the tip.” — _shittyshittymorph_

30. What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block?

“A beaver dam.” — azmodan72 TC mark

Juliet Lanka

Hater of love. Lover of horror.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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