1. Why did the sperm cross the road?
“Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.” — brutalanglosaxon
2. What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle?
“Wipe it off and say you’re sorry.” — Max_W_
3. Why do mice have such small balls?
“So few of them know how to dance.” — Jauncin
4. What do you do if your wife starts smoking?
“Slow down and possibly use some lubricant.” — ThouDanKing
5. A guy is sitting at the doctor’s office.
“The doctor walks in: ‘Sir, I have some bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.’
Patient: ‘I don’t understand, doc. Why?’
Doctor: ‘Because I’m trying to examine you.'” — 72scott72
6. What’s the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period?
“You get your palm red for free.” — Wedding_Bar_Fight
7. What’s worse than ants in your pants?
“Uncles.” — SirTurkTurkelton
8. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
“She gagged.” — WrittenRage
9. How do you know that you have a high sperm count?
“She has to chew before she swallows.” — exstatik
10. Three tampons are sitting at a bus stop. What do they say to each other?
“Nothing. They’re stuck up cunts.” — NuclearJesusMan
11. If a midget tells you your hair smells nice…
“…is that sexual harassment?” — odies1971
12. How do you get a Nun pregnant?
“Dress her up as an altar boy.” — DrinkableCrisps
13. Know what old pussy tastes like?
“Eh. Depends.” — kind2311
14. If women drink a glass of red wine, it increases the chance of a stroke.
“If she drinks the whole bottle, she might even give it a little suck.” — WeFeedBees
15. How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?
“…it’s not hard.” — hlckhrt
16. Why don’t pedophiles compete in races?
“They always come in a little behind.” — Whitefox07
17. Why does a mermaid wear seashells?
“Because she outgrew her B-shells!” — Gvanderv
18. What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
“I’ve never had a lentil on my chest.” —
19. Two deer walk out of a gay bar…
One says to the other, ‘Man, I can’t believe I blew forty bucks in there!'” — heyscruffalobill
20. A man is sitting at the bar, his head in his hands.
“Bartender: What’s the matter buddy?
Man: It’s the worst thing ever. I caught my wife in bed with my best friend.
Bartender: Oh man that really sucks! What did you do?
Man: I told her to pack her shit and get the hell out!
Bartender: What about your best friend?
Man: I looked him straight in the eyes and said BAD DOG!” — sinister_compliment
21. What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
“The taste.” — vietbond
22. What does Trisha put behind her ears to attract men?
“Her ankles.” — Aethestic_3103
23. What did one lesbian vampire say to another lesbian vampire?
“Same time next month?” — sputnikway
24. What’s the worst part about going down on your grandmother?
“Banging your head on the lid of the coffin.” — JJayerson
25. A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre.
“So he gives it to her.” — SonOfTheShire
26. What’s the difference between hungry and horny?
“Where you stick the cucumber.” — Blitz100
27. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a can?
“Because his wife died.” — WrittenRage
28. Three women are sitting at a bar arguing over who has the biggest vagina.
“The first girl says, ‘My boyfriend can fit a whole fist up there.’ The second girl says, ‘Ha, my boyfriend can fit two fists and a foot.’ The third girl just smiles as she slides down the bar stool.” — Belexa
29. What does a leper say after having sex with a prostitute?
“Keep the tip.” — _shittyshittymorph_
30. What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block?
“A beaver dam.” — azmodan72