15 Men Describe The Perfect Vagina

Flickr /// Mikael Tigerström
Flickr /// Mikael Tigerström

1. STRONG ENOUGH TO CHOKE A HORSE

“The perfect vagina is like a perfect handshake—the grip has to be strong and solid. A perfect vagina would be one whose kegel muscles are so strong they could strangle a horse. There’s no better feeling on Earth than a woman with so much control over her vaginal muscles, it feels like she’s trying to choke the truth out of your dick.”

—Bradley, 26

beetlejuice

2. A TINY PAPER SLIT

“Visually, I like it to look like a tiny paper slit. Almost no hint of a labia, and a clit the size of a BB pellet. OK, imagine a closed eyelid without eyelashes turned sideways. No giant elephant-ear labia and thumb-sized clits for me, please!”

—Angelo, 24

beetlejuice

3. SO TIGHT THAT SHE SQUINTS WHEN YOU PUT IT IN

“The kind that’s so tight, she squints a little bit as you’re trying to get it in. Seriously, the best part of sex for me are those first few seconds where you’re struggling so hard to get it in that it’s like you’re trying to squeeze a loaf of French bread through a keyhole.”

—Warren, 22

beetlejuice

4. SLIPPERY WITHOUT BEING SLIMY

“What makes a vagina good is the quality of its viscosity, the texture of its lubrication. I like it slippery without being slimy, if that makes any sense. It can be big and hairy and floppy and smelly, but if her natural lube feels like wet silk, it’s a perfect vagina.”

—Johnny, 21

beetlejuice

5. THE POPE OF VAGINAS

“It is sort of like a quest for the Holy Grail, isn’t it? I mean, not all vaginas are created equal—I know that from hard, traumatic personal experience. But still, you know that somewhere out there, there’s one that’s better than all the other ones—the absolute perfect vagina on the planet, the Pope of Vaginas. And you wouldn’t mind testing all the other ones just to make sure it really is the best one.”

—Josh, 25

beetlejuice

6. VANILLA SUGAR COOKIES

“One that doesn’t smell like a wharf where seagulls poop and longshoremen hang out. If her scent leans more toward vanilla sugar cookies or hot waffles drowning in butter and maple syrup, well, that’s just about perfect to me.”

—Ezra, 22

beetlejuice

7. LIKE A VELVET GLOVE CAST IN IRON

“It’s not so much they way they look because, let’s admit it, they’re pretty odd-looking. All genitals are odd-looking. So the perfect vagina would be the one that feels the best. There was an old movie that described a woman’s pussy as feeling ‘like a velvet glove cast in iron.’ I like the sound of that—soft but strong.”

—Dan, 29

beetlejuice

8. THE ETERNAL VAGINA

“Ideally, in a perfect world, a perfect vagina would be one that always stays glued to your penis. You never lose your erection although you have constant orgasms, and she always stays warm, wet, and receptive. The tragic truth, though, is that we don’t live in a perfect world.”

—Frank, 28

beetlejuice

9. THE WETTER, THE BETTER

“The wetter, the better. I kind of like the idea that she gets so wet, it embarrasses her, but she just can’t help it because that’s how her body is reacting. Plus, it just feels better when it’s so soaking wet that it’s drooling down her legs. That’s why condoms suck—you can’t feel the wetness.”

—Paul, 21

beetlejuice

10. ONE THAT DOESN’T TALK BACK

“One that doesn’t talk back. Just kidding—they all talk back.”

—Bryan, 29

beetlejuice

11. AN ORGASMIC ONE

“The one that cums in under ten thrusts, no cunnilingus needed. I have a theory that no guy actually likes going down on women, so if she’s able to reach orgasm quickly simply through penetration, that’s the type of vagina I’d call a ‘keeper.’”

—Elliott, 23

beetlejuice

12. ONE THAT FITS LIKE A PUZZLE PIECE

“The vagina that fits so perfectly on your dick, it’s like two pieces of a puzzle snap together. Where it feels so good, you don’t even care about oral sex or foreplay—you just want to get up all the way in there.”

—Adam, 27

beetlejuice

13. ONE THAT FEELS GOOD FROM EVERY ANGLE

“It’s one where you can’t tell which position it feels best in—doggie, missionary, or girl on top—because they all feel great. I’ve known some girls where missionary feels like heaven, but doggie style gets too bend-y because of the angle. Hopefully one day our country’s great scientists will design a vagina that feels perfect no matter from what angle you tap it.”

—Rob, 24

beetlejuice

14. THEY’RE ALL GOOD

“Do I really have to pick one? Richard Pryor once did a routine where he said that if a woman thought she had a bad pussy, she should let him try it out. There’s no such thing as a bad vagina, but I guess it’s like Animal Farm—‘All vaginas are great, but some are greater than others.’”

—Mike, 22

beetlejuice

15. A TOOTHLESS ONE

“Any vagina that doesn’t have teeth is perfect.”

—Dante, 28 TC mark

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