Jessica Blankenship

I don’t normally cry before coffee (okay, that’s a lie) but apparently that’s how we’re starting this week.

Super simple, slight adjustments to your normal routine that will leave you feeling more free and empowered.

Just, like, slip something in their drink. Not enough to incapacitate them (you’re not a monster, for f*ck’s sake), just enough to make them all mushy and agreeable.

It is so insane and upsetting that advertisers can do this to people’s bodies.

The only “dating rules” we should follow: Don’t talk with your mouth full, and don’t impose arbitrary, impersonal social guidelines onto your relationship with another person.

As long as you have these things, you can officially let go of any concern about the appearance of other, less important parts of your body.

Watch guys freak out (and get really angry) when they find out the hot ass they’re checking out belongs to a dude. So funny.

There’s a reasonably good chance you will meet your untimely death during this year.

I think I speak for Foodarians when I say: More ice cream for us, quitters.

Paul Rudd is made from the essences of 300 fresh, smiling puppies shoved in the skin-shell of an adorable dude.

Amen Kaleidoscope, Wolfman Donna, Vacation Sundae

When you’re on top, put your weight on their face in an upward motion with your hands. Tell them that you will save them from gravity.