Holly Riordan

If we were on a TV show, do you think the viewers would ship us?

I was going to send you nudes last night, but then I realized I didn’t have your number.

Take a picture of your dildo and caption it, “I’ll be thinking of you the entire time.”

Once you were selected, your brain matter would be drained from your skull, and the empty shell of your body would be burned, the ashes repurposed as diamonds. But your mind would live on in the computer—at least until you turned 90 and they deleted you to make room for more data—so they didn’t consider it murder.

Libra: The men you’re interested in never have any idea that you like them. You just haven’t made your feelings obvious enough.

I can read your mind, and yes, I’ll go out with you.

Outline her lips with your fingers. Caress her cheeks with your palm.

Did you smile when you saw my name pop up on your phone just now?

“She had mandatory cuddle time with each of the kids. They would lay on the couch, and she would spoon them, in the quiet, for about 30 minutes each.”

“Standing in my living room, looking out the window, and I see a nuclear bomb go off near the horizon.”

Taurus: You have patience, which is why you’ll enjoy a long, intricate novel like 11/22/63 by the great Stephen King.

Tell her, in detail, all the ways you’re going to return the favor after you orgasm. When she hears you talking about licking her pussy, she’ll be even more enthusiastic about sucking your cock.

If I murdered someone, would you help me cover up the crime?

It’s hard to judge myself through mirrors and photographs. I wish I could take a step back and see myself from someone else’s point of view.

Pisces: Like Marshall, you’re the smartest person in your friend group, but nobody realizes it, because you’re too busy singing silly songs and making puns about fish.

After his parents died, because his father had decided to drive six whiskeys deep, he claimed every unexplained creak and groan was a sign. But back when I worked at Toys R Us, everyone had thought the place was haunted, too. There would be stories wherever you went.

I can’t say I regret anything, from my broken bones to my asshole exes, because every little choice led me straight to you.

Deleting pictures from fun nights out with your friends, because you think you look disgusting in them.