Gaby Dunn

That you wore the same dress twice around the same people, and they might think you never change clothes

When I have nasty acne, I tell myself that the people that love me would rather have me around than not have me around because I’m hiding out over a pimple.

Obviously, if you’re a werewolf, it’s time to lock yourself in cage in a library and have a friend stand by with a tranquilizer gun. (Buffy reference!)

Are you depressed? You may want to just buy Elliott Smith’s entire discography and save yourself the trouble.

Struggling with same sex attraction sucked. Coming out probably sucked. But now this is your advantage: you are strong and you know you are strong.

The thing no one wants you to know is that mania is fun. It’s great. It’s how a lot of us function. It’s how a lot of us succeed.

You see a therapist? You must be Woody Allen. You must be a navel-gazing lunatic. You must be an unbearable human being.

The aloof noble guy you always lust after from a distance. Like Prince Harry — only animated.

So inaccessible. So dark. So…guitar-playing. Break my heart, Trent Lane. Break all our hearts.

Doc Hudson from Cars: Older guy. Not married. Named after Rock Hudson. Obsessed with Owen Wilson. You do the gay math.

Panic attacks send adrenaline all over your body. When I have one, my heart races and my hands shake like someone’s doing brain surgery on me while I’m awake. The rest of my body might shiver or tremble with little seizures.

You just found me in the wrong universe. That’s all. This is, as they say, the darkest timeline. Everywhere else, nay, “everywhen” else — us in the Civil War, us in Ancient Egypt, us in the swinging ’60s — we are happy.

Look, kids in the suburbs. I get it. There’s not a whole lot to do other than invent new ways to get messed up. I was a teenage “rebel” once. My sister and her friends used to pound Red Bull and have “hyper parties.” I had a guy friend who used to try and smoke banana peels. One time, I attempted to get drunk off my dad’s O’Douls.

A fun thing to do if you’re bored is include Billy Zane’s name in popular songs. “Billy Zane is in my ear and in my eyes” or “Billy Zane is not my lover!” You’re welcome.

There were no high expectations in danger of being deflated after seeing Jason Biggs put his dong in a pastry. That day, I became a realist.

My best friends have always changed over time. There was Madison in second grade. I helped her plaster her bedroom walls in ‘Teen Beat’ Jonathan Taylor Thomas posters. She and I lost touch when I changed schools. Then, there was Matthew in fourth grade.

She’s got long blond hair and curves and when she walks into a room, men act like a literal bomb’s gone off. One time, our mom scolded me by asking, “You know how Tina Fey is beautiful when she’s Tina Fey and not as beautiful when she’s Liz Lemon? Why do you insist on Liz Lemon-ing yourself?” Direct quote.