Chelsea Fagan

“I really need to start learning about wine.”

Always give directions to a taxi driver as if you’re bored and have done this 5,000 times.

You turn into this panty-showing, floor-touching, bent-over-at-the-waist grind monster, and everything is a blur of rubbing body parts and pulling up on your strapless dress.

Mornings where you can spend an hour just checking your email, sipping your coffee, and not really thinking about anything for a little while.

Wear keychains/shirts/pins that said things like “You laugh because I’m different, I laugh because you’re all the same” in green slime writing.

You’ll delete his number from your phone to prevent yourself from drunk texting him, but you’ll still look at his profile every now and again.

Ugh, please shut up.

Treat a new city not as an all-you-can-eat buffet, but as a place with one or two unforgettable specialty dishes. Spend some real quality time on those dishes. Make sure those dishes didn’t come from a Hard Rock Cafe.

It’s one thing to just be generally stupid hot person, and bless your heart, every world needs a healthy dose of Channing Tatums.

Keeping a collection of precisely three 12-dollar bottles of wine in an unused cabinet and casually referring to it as your “wine collection.”

You have always been on the cutting-edge of Basic Bitch technology, the envy of every other girl in yoga pants and a Louis Vuitton bowling bag.

In fact, several times during these makeout sessions, you’ve actually opened your eyes during the kiss and very clearly thought, “This is weird. Why am I doing this? Oh, well,” and kept kissing.

There are so many excellent things about this video (and for the impatient among you, 2:20 is where the true entertainment starts happening).

Easy Mac: The Kelly Rowland to homemade macaroni and cheese’s Beyonce, but a member of Destiny’s Child nonetheless.

Finding out they had a speech impediment as a child.

This woman apparently had a clogged pore for TWENTY FIVE F*CKING YEARS, and this is the unbelievably gross result of that extraction.

And it’s not because wanting to make yourself prettier is incongruous with being supportive of women, it’s because it highlights all that is maybe-not-100-percent-sincere in our feminist rhetoric.

“Finally, I let her in, thinking that would calm her down. It did not. “