1. Having to take a picture of. Every. Single. Thing.
I know that hot people all have, like, 10,000 Instagram followers just because they are hot and people like to get a glimpse into their hot person life, but taking a picture of everything is so unnecessary. You’ve already won the genetic lottery, must you have a perfectly-filtered picture of the brunch you’re pushing around your plate so that we can all understand even the food aspect of your life is more attractive than ours? And while we’re at it, no, we don’t want to be in a selfie with you, we’re just going to bring the median level of hotness down in this photo, and you’re going to end up cutting us out of it for your profile picture anyway. Stop making everything a photo op.
2. Traveling in packs at all times.
Hot People Packs are so weird. It’s like, we get it, you’re all hot. Must you all reinforce the stereotype that allowing an uggo into the mix would lower your collective stock? It’s kind of hilarious to imagine what they talk about amongst Equally Hot People, though. I imagine it’s mostly the benefits of various tooth-whitening agents and all of the people who tried to hit on them on their morning commute. But I digress. The point is that traveling in packs at all times is hostile and insular and not fun. Break it up, socialize with the normals!
3. Only being able to socialize with alcohol.
Many a hot person gets into the rhythm of “I enjoy being the hot person at the bar and/or house party,” and never really escapes it. They’re in their zone when there is beer pong being played, or Pitbull is assaulting everyone from the speakers, or Jack and Cokes cost 12 dollars for some inexplicable reason. But anyone who can’t really socialize out of “party” scenarios are bound to lose their luster quickly and also, not to get bleak, end up with some sort of problem. Alcohol is fun, but it shouldn’t be the drunken sun around which your social solar system turns.
4. Being rude to people in the service industry.
Ohhhhh myyyyy godddddd, it’s SO UNATTRACTIVE. I have to write like an asshole here because only exaggerated last letters and caps can truly convey how awful it is. There is nothing worse than being on a date with someone, having them take the check, and then being a terrible tipper. Because it’s awkward to be like, “I know you want to take me out, but part of ‘taking me out’ means ‘not tipping 12 percent like an asshole.'” Hotness is not a tip. And if you’re the kind of person who is rude to taxi drivers or talks on the phone at the register, and I am apologizing on your behalf, this doesn’t make me a weird person. It makes you a troll that can’t be taken out in society without a constant chorus of “I’m sorry, this is his first day in real life, he doesn’t know not to yell at baristas.”
5. Only being nice to people who can do something for them.
There is nothing worse than people who are only nice and generous towards people who stand to get them a job or do them a favor. And in the world of hot people, “someone who can do something for you” usually translates to people who are rich, successful, or equally hot. (Also people who work in media or entertainment, because even the most boring hot person is always on some level looking to become famous for no reason.) Only turning on the “decent human being” switch when it is convenient is the most important mark of an awful person, and even being really, really hot can’t save you from that.
6. Being willfully dumb.
It’s one thing to just be generally stupid hot person, and bless your heart, every world needs a healthy dose of Channing Tatums. But it’s another thing to allow your hotness to be a “get out of jail free card” for having a functional personality. I have met so many hot people who have been like “Yeah, I don’t really read,” or spend the whole time making inane comments about how fat people are, or refer to things like museums as “gay,” and people still give them the time of day because they are beautiful to look at. But meeting a really hot, really willfully stupid person is like a sleek-looking, non-Dyson hand dryer. It brings the bathroom together, but at the end of the day, you still have to wipe your wet hands on your jeans. It’s just a waste of a hot person!
7. Being too aware of their own hotness.
Man, is this ever the kiss of death. The thing about being hot is it’s just like being smart — you have to embrace it without being “token smart person” who looks for awkward ways to insert their SAT score into a conversation, as though anyone on this planet gives a shit. Hot people who are really aware of their hotness are tedious at best and nauseating at worse, and don’t realize that we can all see their hotness, they don’t have to make it the focal point of their persona. Besides, most of us are just average looking, there’s no reason to make your hotness even more hostile to the paupers by making your “resting poses” be really sexy, and constantly looking in mirrors. Hot people who don’t realize it are 100 times hotter, anyway.