21 Foods And What They Should Actually Be Called

1. Wraps: All of the ingredients of a sandwich, yet somehow the calories don’t count, because it’s in a tortilla instead of two pieces of bread.

2. Avocado: Enabling basic bitches to label otherwise-unhealthy meals #fitspo since 2009.

3. Kale caesar salad: The culinary equivalent of a dress with pockets in it. (“Oh my god, this restaurant has a KALE CAESAR SALAD. I love it so much more now!”)

4. Easy Mac: The Kelly Rowland to homemade macaroni and cheese’s Beyonce, but a member of Destiny’s Child nonetheless.

5. FroYo Never spoken in a sentence that doesn’t begin with “Oh my god, let’s get some ______!!!”

6. Crunchy spicy tuna rolls: Convincing yourself this is healthy, despite being covered in pink mayonnaise and flakes of fried batter, and dipped into a tiny bucket of sodium.

7. Garlic Bread: The Snuggie of foods.

8. Nutella: Slowly watching yourself devolve as a human being over the course of 13 ounces, and finishing in a dark corner of your own room, knuckles covered in chocolate as you scrape out the last bits of it with your crazy-person fingers.

9. Pizza: The long-term, on-again-off-again boyfriend who is objectively bad for you, but with whom you have face-melting sex. Even though you almost always regret it right after, something about him tells you that you’re going to end up together, if only because, when you want him, nothing else will do.

10. Chobani: For the judgmental yoga mom in everybody.

11. Hummus: The food that no one can convince you isn’t healthy, even if it contains an entire bottle of olive oil.

12. 7/11 taquitos: The most horrifying thing in the world, until you find them while white girl wasted at 2:43 AM, at which point they become humanity’s greatest hope for peace and happiness.

13. Almond croissants: The coffee shop breakfast choice that is always preceded by “Fuck it, I work hard, I deserve this.”

14. Bacon: The Kate Upton of foods — like, we get it, but come on.

15: Nature Valley crunchy granola bars: For when you want a light snack that explodes into confetti all over your desk and body.

16. Beef jerky: Feeling like you could survive in some sort of post-apocalyptic scenario as you chew on something with the oddly satisfying texture of an Italian dress shoe.

17. Pad thai: The punchline to every sad single person joke that doesn’t involve a cat (which stings all the more because, come on, sometimes you’re hungry and sad and want to eat a pound and a half of something while watching House of Cards.)

18. Donuts: A sufficient replacement for hard work and team spirit amongst your coworkers, if you bring them in randomly one morning.

19. Tofu: Pretending to enjoy and understand it more than you do, in much the same way you do with jazz, because a profound part of you associates it with adulthood.

20. Burrito: The gentleman’s way to consume a dish that weighs as much as a newborn human baby.

21. Quinoa: Punishing the farming communities of South America for the sins of Park Slope residents who named their children Caleb and Hattie. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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Chelsea Fagan founded the blog The Financial Diet. She is on Twitter.

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