1. Fantasize about all of the food you’re going to order, and browse through the different options on Seamless as though you were shopping through the sale section of your favorite online store. There are just so many choices! Are you in a Pad Thai mood, or are you in a white pizza with an order of cannoli state of mind?
2. Immediately go through the back-and-forth of feeling both guilty that you’re not doing anything with your precious weekend time, and extremely relieved that you don’t have to put pants on. You might even listlessly text a friend, “Hey, what are you up to tonight?” even though you know that, no matter what their answer is — even “licking raw honey off of Zayn Malik’s tattooed chest” — would not get you to leave your couch.
3. Take off your pants, put on the gnarliest t-shirt you own, and arrange the pillows on your couch into a throne, like you’re the leader of some kind of fancy brothel in Ancient Greece.
4. Internally debate as to whether this is going to be one of those #AloneWine Friday nights (where you end up drinking the lion’s share of a bottle of white by yourself, and finish the evening curled up in your bed cackling to yourself at hilarious videos on the internet), or a #BackToBasics Friday night where you get high on junk food and seven straight hours of TV, as you did when you were a kid.
5. Order your food, and non-subtly allude to the fact that there are other people at your apartment, so no one thinks you’re ordering three adult-sized portions of food for yourself. (If you’ve gone so far as ordering a second set of utensils to keep up the charade, I salute you!)
6. Look out the window and either enjoy the rain, or wish it was raining, because nothing is sweeter on a Friday night alone than the sound of rain to confirm that nothing good could possibly be happening outside anyway.
7. Take a selfie in your bedroom and/or kitchen in which you look both casually sexy (because you’re still presentable from the day), and sexily casual (because your hair is gently mussed and you’re in around-the-house clothes). You tag it #FridayNightIn and #Homebody and #Netflix.
8. Pretend like you’re going to read for a few minutes, because you want to feel healthy and classy and like the kind of person who wants to read while home alone on a Friday night, and then set the book aside while you turn on Netflix.
9. Be overwhelmed with choice at all of the options on Netflix, and get stuck in a small mental vortex while deciding whether you’re in more of a “documentary on the state of the world that will fill me with righteous rage against the Koch brothers” mood, or “10 episodes in a row of a show I already know that I love and have seen before.”
10. Hear your phone buzz in the distance with someone who is undoubtedly saying “Where are you??? OMG get down here!” and intentionally do not check it, because you are not in the zone to deal with those kinds of texts right now.
11. Watch the first two minutes of, like, eight different things on Netflix, and immediately get bored with them. Probably settle on either Anthony Bourdain’s show or Orange Is The New Black again.
12. Concoct weird desserts that you only do when you are a) totally alone, and b) in full “Fuck it, it’s Friday, I deserve it” mode. This usually entails taking some non-ice-cream-topping food and crushing it up to mix into ice cream.
13. With great satisfaction, scroll through your Instagram to look at all the Hot Mess At The Bar photos your friends are posting, and feel very grateful not to currently be posting blurry selfies from a graffiti’d-up bathroom captioned with #Bathroomselfie and #Turnt.
14. Leave salty comments on Facebook statuses/photos. These are either thinly-veiled insults you leave on humblebrags, or weirdly emotional comments to people you haven’t seen in two or more years. (Note: This is also the prime hour for randomly messaging people from high school/college and being like “I miss youuuuuu. Seriously, come visit me. I mean it.”
15. Google all of the embarrassing things you’ve been wondering this week, particularly strange body issues that you fear might be a horrible disease. (But do them on Incognito mode, because you don’t need someone typing in “s” and getting prompted to “strange shoulder lumps?”)
16. End by eating at least one item of food in your bed, even if it’s just a single square of chocolate that you snuck out to grab from the refrigerator.
17. Fall asleep just about as late as you would have if you’d gone to the bar, but feeling impossibly rested and refreshed, and ready to take on a weekend full of activities and/or continuing to stay home and be lazy. Whichever comes first.