18. Welp, if you want it that bad, you’ll find a way to do it.

Not really an arrest story, but as I type this on my cell phone, I am babysitting am inmate at a hospital in LA. Well this dude is a lifetime drunk, he’s barely coherent and belligerent. He’s actually here because of alcohol withdrawals. I had positioned myself behind a curtain in the room because he started spitting when I hear what sounds like a stream of water hitting the ground. I look around the curtain and sure enough, this dude is on his back in the bed, both hands cuffed to either side of the bed, and he’s managed to wiggle into position to piss straight into his own mouth and drink it.

I was at a loss for words.

19. Certainly a clever way to hide drugs.

Step dad is a cop that works graveyard. He had stopped a suspicious man walking in a known drug area. As he proceeds to frisk the man he is stunned by what he feels in the crotch region. My step dad states he debated in his mind on what he just touched, the suspect states it’s his man junk, but my stepfather knows in his mind there’s no f-ing way. Turns out this man hollowed out the biggest dildo he could find to stash with drugs and tied it around his waist with a shoelace. Somewhat clever but could have been modest with the size.

20. LOL.

A drunk homeless guy who heard that there was a party in a backyard just sat at the table of a barbecue and asked for drinks, apparently believing it was a bar. The hosts were a very nice couple and they didn’t want to upset him (pretty unstable guy, apparently), so they played along and gave him free drinks until he fell asleep, then called dispatch asking what the fuck they should do with him. So I was sent there, picked him up and drove him to the hospital. One week later what do I see, the exact same guy holding onto a street lamp. So I ask him if he remembers anything about the previous week and he just says “oh yeah the open-air bar… Great whiskey, lovely people. I’ll go back there.”

21. TUPAC.

Not me, but my dad arrested Tupac. He and his bodyguards harassed and threatened to kill a liquor storeowner for not selling them alcohol after 2 or 3am.