Charlie Shaw

“I don’t plan on asking my girlfriend to marry me. I know she wants it, but I like how we are right now.”

“Working the night shift when a job came up that there was a woman, naked, riding a horse while directing traffic at an intersection.”

“I once went on a date with a guy who told me, while being seated at a restaurant, that there is nothing more disgusting than seeing a woman put food into her mouth.”

A girl in my school was on Super Sweet 16. Someone got paid by a cameraman to knock over the cake.

I was in a plane crash, into the ocean. I swam more than 20 miles, to shore, alone in the dark to get help for the other survivors in the plane.

“Had an ex cut the brake lines on my truck. Was on my way home from school when all the sudden the pedal sank to the floor.”

iPod on shuffle and 1 out of every 3 songs is a track from a Dane Cook stand up CD.

The story that sticks out in my mind was one about an HIV positive prisoner who put his blood on arrows that were shot at the guards. The bow and arrows were made out of newspapers that were petrified with toilet water.

Don’t add your photo to your resume. I go through 1000’s of resumes and you’d be surprised how many people do this.

I’m a gigolo for grandmas. Some as old as 90, none younger than 65. I’ve got $2 million in a bank from grandmas leaving me money in their wills.

Had and erection in 9th grade biology. Teach thought it was my phone and grabbed it.

“When you look at me a bunch of times but never when I look back, what does that mean exactly?”

“No matter how hard you try, you will never be ‘one of the guys,’ so don’t take it personally if you don’t get invited to some things.”

I joined one when I was a teen. I raised a large family in it. It was one of those traps that once you’re in you just can’t get out without chewing your leg off. After a lifetime in it, as in most cults, my family began to be attacked. As a mother I couldn’t stand by and watch.

Cremated cat inside a leather satchel, inside the vagina of an extremely obese woman. Cremated in her fireplace, still had some fur and bones. Kid you not.

“I can’t come in because my dad hasn’t washed my uniform.”

He came in the next day with a note from his dad. He was 21. Then fired.

Never built one, but I did find one in a house I was doing some plumbing work in once. This was an expensive condo, and they had a secret office that had a secret one-way mirror looking into the GUEST SHOWER.

My second grade teacher told me I was adopted. I was and did not know it up until then.