1. No means no.
When we say nothing is wrong. Nothing is wrong, dammit! We’re not thinking about anything. You have to understand that sometimes our minds just go blank.
2. Sometimes they really just forgot to breathe.
Sometimes when I sigh a loud heavy sigh it is because I forgot to breathe for a couple of seconds and not because I am annoyed or bored of you.
3. When in doubt, they are not trying to pull a fast one.
If we say or do something that is obviously hurtful and insensitive, then react to your anger with a blank look, it’s really because we have no idea what we did wrong. We aren’t just playing dumb to get out of the situation.
4. Input is welcome.
We do, in fact, actually want to know where you would prefer to eat. You can tell us.
This is genuinely 100% true (about 80% of the time).
5. Simplicity, people.
When telling us a story or trying to communicate, stick to the Who What When Where and then maybe Why and How. If you start to tell us how someone in the story was feeling that day because his or her mother had just gotten into an argument etc. you will lose us. Immediately.
6. Bathroom interruptions are big no-nos.
If I don’t text you back during the day it’s probably because I’m working, not because I feel like ignoring you. SOMETIMES it’s a little bit of both.
7. Well would you look at that: turns out this guy is NOT keen on self-centered and vapid ladies. Unlike–most people who are…?
Don’t sit playing with your phone or iPad or whatever, ignoring the film for 20 minutes, and then look up and say, “Who’s that guy? Why’s he doing that?” and proceed to get mad when I don’t want to précis the entire plot for you in less than 30 seconds.
Either watch the film, or don’t fucking watch it.
8. Essentially a 5-paragraph manual on how to please your man.
Compliment your man from time to time. It makes us feel like kings!
When you’re frustrated or upset with us, just tell us. We have no fucking clue what we did and in turn we get pissed trying to figure it out.
Sex and cuddles (or vice versa) is a really great stress reliever and can make a super shitty day turn into a great one.
My grandmother used to say that men are pretty much as simple as dogs. Pet us, feed us, and we’re as loyal as can be.
Let your S/O have their hobby time. It’s nice when we have time to focus on ourselves! Yes you’ll have to endure the hiatus from all the attention, but you’ll live. It’s usually only a few hours a day.
Hmmm that’s the best I can think of at the moment. Gotta wipe and go, gf wants to use the bathroom!
9. Men are inherently problem-solvers.
We are hardwired to solve problems. If you don’t want us to solve a problem, don’t complain about it. If you just want empathy, seek out girlfriends, moms, sisters, aunts, etc.
10. Time apart is essential.
No matter how hard you try, you will never be “one of the guys”, so don’t take it personally if you don’t get invited to some things.
11. Curveball, right ahead!
We are secretly sensitive people we just hide it.
Stop asking if you’re fat.
Your clothes don’t make you look fat. Your fat makes you look fat.
13. Abuse is never okay — period.
Hitting us isn’t okay.
14. Well at least we know this guy doesn’t lie.
Do not ask questions if you don’t want to hear the answer.
15. Captain Obvious:
Suddenly talking about blowjobs is my way of asking for a blowjob.
I think we use this technique for a lot of things.
16. Now here’s something you don’t learn every day.
That weird sidestep-and-dip thing we do on hot days is our partially-inconspicuous attempt at unsticking our ballsack from our leg.
17. You mean Cosmo doesn’t have all of the secrets????
Cosmo is a waste of time. You are looking for ways to get your man in the mood without actually doing the one thing that would get him in the mood. TOUCH HIS PENIS. That’s all you have to do. Put your hands down his pants and stroke, it will get him in the mood.
18. A helpful tip for how to deal with porn?
If you don’t want us looking at porn then you should have sex with us more often or give BJs.
19. Again, simplicity.
If male is in a foul mood, cook bacon.
20. A slice of some tasteless, honest pie.
We jerk off. It doesn’t matter that we had sex recently. We don’t find you less attractive because we smash it. Yes I would bang your friends. But I won’t. There isn’t much we won’t put our dicks in. Work sexy is a thing.
I love to sleep. It doesn’t make me lazy. I love the smell of my farts. I do need to touch my dick whenever. I have to make sure it’s ok.
I could go on.
21. Showing desire is encouraged.
Guys need to feel like you want them to F you, not that your letting them F you.
22. A horny man is a blind man.
If we’re horny then it’s like being drunk. Inhibitions are out of the window, confidence is up, etc. We just need to hit that sweet spot!
Help with an orgasm is as good, if not better, than money.
23. Ah, a Mr. Contrarian has joined the party.
We are not all the same.
24. For some guys, sports are a really big deal.
During March a lot of us catch March Madness. Symptoms include an unhealthy amount of time watching basketball and creating brackets.
25. So this guy might need to re-think his relationship…
Give us half an hour to an hour after we get home from work before you engage in banter. We have to chitchat all day, we just want to come home and have some peace before we start at it again.
26. Video games can really strip a guy down.
If we stop playing a video game to talk to you, you mean A LOT to us.
27. Their eyes are apparently particularly telling.
You should be able to tell whether or not a guy is in love with you simply by looking at the way in which he looks at you. The eyes are a dead giveaway.
28. Think outside the box!
Sometimes we want to be the little spoon too.
29. Oof. Burn.
Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean that I don’t understand.
30. They really have no patience for the cold shoulder act.
We don’t care if you’re mad about something stupid — it happens to us also. So stop brooding while refusing to tell us what is wrong
31. Less talking, more DOING.
Men just want to find a solution to the issue, no interest in the argument. Please just tell us what we can do to make it up to you! If time is the only way to heal it, don’t make us suffer during that time!
32. Well this is a new one.
Well I’m not every guy, but I’m easily bothered by fowl language — it immediately makes a girl look less attractive for some odd reason.
33. Men are like…warfare.
Observe and plan from a distance before approaching.