Alana Capri

PISCES: You are forgiving—WAY TOO forgiving for your own good. If Gandhi and Mother Teresa had a baby, it would be you.

SCORPIO: Your idea of classy is to get your name written in rhinestones on the back of your stonewashed denim jacket. You’re proud that you have two pairs of UGG boots—one for menial labor, the other for “special occasions.”

GEMINI: You don’t give a f*ck. You don’t even HAVE a f*ck to give. You sold all your f*cks long ago. Someone could hit your emotions with a brick and you still wouldn’t feel anything.

SAGITTARIUS: Once a cheater, always a cheater? Honey, were BORN a cheater. If there was a way to cheat after death, you’d do that, too.

CANCER: You’re like an impending earthquake or tsunami—24 hours before you get into one of your notoriously awful moods, all animals in the area can sense trouble and will begin to flee.

ARIES: You don’t even think it’s a dumb idea to drive down to Tijuana for the weekend—which is a stretch, seeing as how you live in Canada.

SAGITTARIUS: I’m going to write this pretending as if you’re reading it, but everyone knows you’re still asleep. For you, a busy day involves setting the alarm and then pressing the snooze button over and over.

LEO: Your overblown ego prevents you from being jealous most of the time, because how could anybody want someone else after they’ve been with you? But underneath your confident lion’s veneer is an insecure, shivering little kitty.

PISCES: When someone crosses you, they’d better make the sign of the cross, because they’ve just summoned the wrath of God. You will murder them if you can get away with it. Failing that, you’ll go for manslaughter.

ARIES: You wail like a bawling infant, throw your milk bottle to the floor in a rage, but then you’ll calm down as soon as the ice cream arrives.

CANCER: You swear off of love forever. You say “love” is a stupid idea. You learn to hate the idea of love. And it’s all because you still love him.

ARIES: As long as he is holding your hand, you would jump into the ocean with him. Take a rocket to Mars with him. Walk through a tornado with him. Walk across hot coals with him. You’d do everything except walk away from him.

GEMINI: Leave it to the Twins to always do things halfway—when it comes to psychic ability, you’re somewhere between Miss Cleo and a mortar brick.

AQUARIUS: Mystery.

LIBRA: You are the purest and most beautiful of angels. You’re so pure, sometimes God asks you for advice. Even God says, “OK, I get it—you’re good—but maybe take it down a notch, because you make everyone else feel guilty.”

CANCER: Everyone better duck when your crab claws come out! If you feel you’ve been wronged, you won’t go in for the kill. You’ll just pick and poke and nag and needle until your target has lost the will to live.

ARIES: You’re the one who’s passed out on the floor because you “won” the drinking contest. Depending on what time of night it is, your friends may or may not have already drawn a mustache on your face with a Sharpie.

LEO: For you, love happens in the twinkling of an eye—just blink, and you’re in love.