Alana Capri

Spoiler Alert: It’s not that bad, and in every case there’s a happy ending!

SCORPIO: You’re the type who finds $100 bills on the sidewalk. You and all your friends could go tiptoeing through meadows in springtime, and you’re always the only one to find a four-leaf clover.

SCORPIO: Do you like hot weather? For your sake, I hope you do. Don’t bother bringing a jacket—you won’t need it where you’re going.

CAPRICORN: You kick so much ass, it’s a wonder that there are any asses left.

PISCES: Nothing. Literally nothing makes you angry. That doesn’t mean you don’t get angry. In fact, you get angry a lot. What it means is that you get angry over nothing.

VIRGO: Nothing makes you laugh harder than hearing about the misfortune of someone you dislike. Remember the guy who bullied you in high school? He just went to prison for tax evasion! LOL!!!

PISCES: You are an extremely loyal friend—that is, up until the moment you find a new lover. Then you forget all about your friends. When you start sleeping with someone, you fall asleep on all your friends.

GEMINI: You’re quite the sour gummy worm. When you get in one of your moods—because everyone knows you have only two—you are one foul, back-stabbing, two-faced bitch.