2012

1. Losing Motivation For The 22,467th time.

Become employed as the “Before” model in “Before and After” plastic surgery ads.

Like it’s some mystical new age therapy with intangible healing properties. It’s not Kaballah, it’s a food allergy. Are you into reiki, homeopathy, or the healing power of crystals, magnets or Head of the Class reruns? You might be a phony celiac.

You compose a text that’s talking crap on someone and accidentally send it to the person you’re trashing. Seriously, is there a more terrifying scenario out there for 20-somethings, other than perhaps talking on the phone?

Despite the fact that you, too, used a fake ID just a few short years ago, you are filled with righteous indignation. “Wait your turn, you brats,” you long to say, “Go drink 4 Loko in your bedrooms until you turn 21, like God intended.”

Glitter keychains that said things like “100% Angel.” (Bonus points if they said “100% Devil” on the back.)

XXXtina’s music usually makes me cry tears of terror rather than genuine emotion but for her famous self-love anthem “Beautiful”, she actually manages to make a positive mark on my feelings.

8. You’re more comfortable at a Renaissance fair full of fake knights than a nightclub full of fake Renaissance men.

There’s three types of freshman journalism majors: ones who want to be Carrie Bradshaw, ones who want to write for Rolling Stone, and ones who want to be Woodward and Bernstein. I was the last one.

Do not drink alone if you are within a 5-mile radius of a McDonald’s, Domino’s, White Castle, or KFC.

I know you were born with a vagina and everything, and so you think that’s enough to make you a woman. But guess what? No it’s not!

They have awkward arbitrary seating arrangements. Maybe you got stuck sitting next to that girl you hooked up with once in college, and she was all “Sooo, it’s nice to see you, wanna have a threesome?”