Thought Catalog
August 24, 2016

82 Generic White Guy Names And What They Say About His Personality

Report This Article
What is the issue?
Not a generic white guy? Read about generic white girl names here.
Christopher Campbell
Christopher Campbell

1. Todd: Wears loafers. Knows specifically what Ralph Lauren line looks best on him.

2. Garrett: Wears glasses, doesn’t need them.

3. Will: From the Northeast, played lacrosse in high school and thought he would be recruited, but wasn’t. Always slightly shorter than you want him to be.

4. Chad: Evil.

5. Brian: Super picky eater. His girlfriend will always end up financially supporting him.

6. Bryan: Totally different from Brian. Wears a lot of Hawaiian shirts.

7. Ryan: Never texts you back because he’s perpetually on some “comedy tour.”

8. Ross: Not conventionally attractive, but super fucking funny.

9. Chase: Joined, like, a super niche indie band and plays the bagpipes and some other instrument nobody has ever heard of. Lives in Europe now because “Europeans appreciate the arts.” Whatever, Chase.

10. Colin: Lives in Patagonia fleeces, no matter what temperature it is outside.

11. Greg: That guy who shows up uninvited to things. The target to be roasted in all group texts. Handles it like a champ.

12. Phillip: Literally always at GameStop.

13. Kurt: You’re friends with him because he has a car and never seems to be doing anything so he always will give you a ride.

14. Connor: Perpetually heartbroken.

15. Jack: Republican.

16. John: Got straight-As in high school and then started drinking in college. Hasn’t stopped drinking since.

17. Ian: Plays World of Warcraft and drinks Monster energy drinks. Still.

18. Spencer: Went surfing once, puts the surfer guy emoji next to his name when he puts his name into your phone.

19. Martin: Is uncomfortable not wearing some kind of argyle print somewhere on his person.

20. Adam: He’s that guy who comments in public Facebook event pages why he can’t attend. Adam, nobody in “The Chainsmoker’s: Metro Nashville Area” cares that you’re bummed you can’t go because you’ll be visiting family in Seattle that weekend.

21. Rob:

22. Cam: Always texts you about wanting to drop acid on a weekday.

23. Cameron: Puts “Feminist” in his dating app profiles so he can get laid.

24. Josh: You probably met him at a music festival. He will use any opportunity given to take his shirt off. He owns and wears colored, plastic wayfarers.

25. Jeremy: Only owns sleeveless shirts.

26. Aaron: Uses Magnum condoms, doesn’t have to.

27. Chaz: Always trying to bring “Chaz” back.

28. Austin: Works at Equinox, didn’t actually *officially* graduate from USC (one unit short). Every profile picture he has on Facebook is with girls.

29. Jared: Loves vodka Red Bulls a little too much.

30. Michael: Peaked in high school, officially the worst now.

31. Mike: Will shame you for getting too drunk.

32. Matthew: Always threatens to “write about you” in his future book.

33. Matt: Hits on girls who are way out of his league.

34. Paul: Has a 401k straight out of college. Has a Bible verse tattooed somewhere.

35. Blake: Will literally do anything to make people laugh at parties. Once licked a banana slug on a dare.

36. Dillon: Thinks he’s a lot hotter than he actually is. Never successfully uses “there/their/they’re” correctly.

37. Dylan: Parents are stoners.

38. Dave: A “you don’t seeing it coming” fuck boy.

39. Daniel: Somehow always playing an acoustic guitar.

40. Dan: Hot. Can cook.

41. Sam: Constantly telling people that he’s a really good guy. He’s pretty mediocre.

42. Stewart: Wears a lot of sweater vests.

43. Alex: Will sing for a girl on the first date.

44. Alexander: Has been doodling anime on random pieces of paper since he was in 5th grade.

45. Alec: He invites you to his DJ gigs all the time.

46. Beau: Total goofball.

47. Zachary: Big fan of Family Guy.

48. Ben: You can’t say anything bad about him, but at the same time…You can’t really find anything great to say about him either?

49. Derek: Still in his skateboarding phase.

50. Tom: Gets, like, personally offended when people cheat or play even the simplest games “the wrong way.” Used to cry when his middle school basketball team lost.

51. Jim: Peaked playing intramural frisbee in college.

52. James: Either is British or wants to be British.

53. Zack: Raised in a super nice upper-middle class suburb and got two girls (who were friends) pregnant.

54. Mark: Accidentally snuck into a really cool group of friends. Nobody knows how.

55. Jesse: He loves the Fast and Furious franchise.

56. Billy: Peaked when he was 14, still acts like he is 14.

57. Dick: Lives up to his name.

58. Jeffrey: Reeeeeally loves his Mom.

59. Reid: Named his bong Mike Wazowski.

60. Alan: Always sounds like he’s talking through his nose.

61. Andrew: The guy you fall in love with. Wears a lot of flannel.

62. Kyle: Wears white mid-calf socks, no matter the occasion.

63. Jason: Wants to date you, but you don’t want to date him.

64. Jacob: Currently talking about how much he loves San Francisco.

65. Jake: Instantly tells you you’re splitting the check at dinner.

66. Nathan: Does improv.

67. Eric: Always wants to take you on a hike. Loves to bring his golden retriever who is “great off leash.”

68. Erik: Constantly telling you it’s “Erik with a K.” Thinks he’s the most unique person in the world. Always in a beanie.

69. Steve: Super into climbing. Just a touch granola, but it would take getting to know him really well to figure that out.

70. Stephen: Went to Duke, won’t shut up about it.

71. Steven: Cannot help himself and needs to argue with people in the comments section of things.

72. Travis: Has a butt chin.

73. Trevor: Has an Apple Watch.

74. Brady: Great Instagram aesthetic. Lots of pictures of him on a boat.

75. Brenden: Wrote you a song about how he loves you.

76. Kevin: Settles down really fast, is the first of his friends to be a father.

77. Ethan: Will wear a backwards hat until he is 45.

78. Tucker: Shaves his head whenever his sports team wins anything.

79. Nick: Constantly refers to himself as a “legend,” rarely does anything that qualifies as legendary.

80. Chris: Your boss.

81. Peter: Refers to sex as “making love.”

82. Patrick: Likes every post you put on your social media. TC mark

Laugh your ass off with these funny quotes.