They flatter and charm you excessively in the beginning of the relationship and you feel an euphoric, intoxicating high – but the relationship also brings you to the lowest of lows.

Love bombing is a double bind. If you struggle with self-esteem, trauma, an emotional void, or are going through a difficult time in your life, it will feel inevitably comforting to you that someone is paying you so much laser-focused attention. On the other hand, even if you have high self-esteem, you may be tempted to feel like a partner who sweet-talks you is just being affectionate because your self-concept says, “I am worthy of it.” Although childhood trauma can leave us susceptible to love bombing, even people who haven’t been through childhood trauma can fall prey because they haven’t experienced manipulators at a young age and may not know the red flags to watch out for. There’s a fine line between healthy praise and flattery for an agenda, but love can create a biochemical addiction in the brain that is difficult to extricate ourselves from to see reality clearly, shielding our vision with rose-colored glasses so we’re unable to identify the red flags until the relationship progresses. As you go through cycles of idealization and devaluation in this traumatic relationship, you start to depend on your partner for emotional validation because they’ve conditioned you to rely on their love bombing over time. Love bombing makes it that much tougher for anyone – even the most rational person – to detach themselves completely from toxic people. This is made even more difficult when the love bomber notices when you withdraw from them and tries to ensnare you back in the cycle by alternating between mean and sweet treatment, only to continue the cycle.

They future-fake and make promises they don’t seem to keep, dangling the carrot of a future to keep you hooked. No matter how hard you work to please them or sustain the relationship, they seem unable to reward you for your efforts and see your value even when it’s right in front of them. You feel like you’re walking on eggshells.

Being love bombed by a psychopath can take place in any context, not just relationships, but romantic relationships is where future faking can occur with rapid intensity. A psychopathic or narcissistic love bomber can feed you falsehoods about how they intend to treat you to get you invested in them early on. For example, they may talk about a future with you in it, complete with marriage, children, and a white picket fence in the first few dates with you, only to withdraw abruptly after they’ve gotten what they wanted (whether it be sex, a parasitic relationship where they emotionally abuse you, or the ability to use you as “eye candy” to enhance their image). They don’t seem to see your value, even though they appeared to overvalue you in the beginning.

“Don’t take this personally: psychopaths don’t see anyone’s value long-term because everyone is an object to be used. You could be the most intelligent, beautiful, wealthy, funny, amazing, talented, generous, empathic human being – and they could still regard you with nonchalance after they seemingly went out of their way to “get” you. That’s because to them, you are a trophy and a prize to be won – and once the rush of the chase is over, they start showing their true colors because they’re chronically bored sensation-seekers who devalue and idealize multiple people at once.” – Shahida Arabi, Power

To understand how psychopaths refuse to see your value even when it is right in front of them and blatant, think of a classic case of a live-in girlfriend who emotionally supports, cooks and cleans for her boyfriend for several years, only for him to marry another woman shortly after their relationship ends. Or perhaps you’re a friend who does a great deal of emotional and professional labor for someone for years, only for that so-called friend to backstab and betray you when you need them to support you.  Or think of a case of a man who is love bombed into working for his family member and brings in an amazing amount of profit, only for that family member to steal profits from him and leech off his labor, only to explode in rage when confronted.

These betrayals unfortunately do not cause immediate detachment from the toxic love bomber – they tend to strengthen the trauma bond between victim and perpetrator due to the primal instinct humans have for survival. Some are drawn closer to the psychopath due to the inextricably addictive nature of the trauma bond, while others are thankfully repelled by it, though it takes a great deal of healing to recover. That is because when the psychopath refuses to see your value, victims of chronic emotional manipulation are unfortunately all too often compelled to prove their worth when mistreated in this manner.

You feel on edge constantly because their behavior can be unpredictable. They create love triangles to get you to compete for them and experience duping delight when they’re able to manipulate you.

One minute they’re “serenading you” with long texts about how you’re their soulmate. The next, they’re subjecting you to the silent treatment when you need their support or when you share your good news. They may withhold from you or start mentioning another potential love interest. One minute they appear to be investing in you fully and breaking ties with anyone who’s interfering in your relationship or has mistreated you, and the next they’re suddenly supporting or praising the other person they were demeaning earlier just to provoke you. This is jealousy induction, and it is a deeply disturbing manipulation tactic that is associated with psychopathic traits, according to research. Psychopaths know how to hit your weak points, so while during love-bombing they will seem fully committed to you, they will deliberately go out of their way to try to elevate the people you’ve disclosed make you uncomfortable just to punish you during the devaluation phase, all while claiming they’re on your side. They experience a thrill when they’re conning you or pulling the wool over your eyes, and they love pitting people against one another – this can happen in many different contexts, not just romantic relationships. Some may say that the cold rage of a psychopath is the most brutal experience, while others may note that the indifference of the psychopath is just as chilling. After all, a psychopathic individual has callous-unemotional traits and has little remorse for their victims. If you’re dealing with someone who lacks empathy and blows hot and cold, it’s time to step back and re-evaluate. You may be dealing with a cruel manipulator. You deserve someone who sees your amazing value, who respects you, and invests in you consistently. You don’t deserve to suffer from malicious mind games.