It’s not as though my entire friendship with him was a ruse to get him in bed, I genuinely fell for him over the course of getting to know him, and upon being rejected, remaining in such close proximity was beyond my ability to undertake.
I won’t cuddle you when you come and sit on the edge of the bed, even though all I really want to do is crawl inside you and wear your skin as a coat and your guts as a scarf, because love is gross and creepy like that.
Gentlemen, feel free to ignore this one unless of course you want to take a sneak peek into “girl world,” and while I can promise that you may find some of it interesting, I cannot promise that you won’t leave scarred.
There is a direct correlation between the kind of clothes you wear and the amount of respect you deserve.
When your partner opens up to you for the first time or your date looks at you like there’s no one else in the room, you can’t put a value on that. It’s priceless.
Creep out of our bedroom late at night to eat our leftovers, the food we swore we would save for lunch the next day, and consume them ravenously over the sink like a wild animal.
Always be clean and respectful when using a public restroom, instead of making a mess for both the custodian and the person who follows you.
These are the worst foods to eat when you’re binging on Netflix from bed on those comfy Sunday afternoons.
Back in the earlier 2000s, in my local town, getting offered a job at Abercrombie & Fitch was essentially like winning the retail nomination for prom queen.
Will you still love me if I gain twenty pounds and start dressing like a garbage can? Oops, too late. I already did!
Is it possible to be 100 percent honest all the time and not hurt the other person’s feelings?
Send someone flowers who lives far away with a nice card reminding them how much you care. (This has a similar effect to black-tar heroin on mothers/mothers-in-law/grandmothers.)
I don’t know if you ever get better. I don’t know if a person can just wake up one day and decide to be an active participant in their life. I’d like to think so.
I got a death threat last week from a guy who’s a senior at Brown University who didn’t think I could track him down. More on that in a second.
A person must mean a great deal to you if they’ve managed to become the focal point of your thoughts as you lay down to call it a night. That’s a primetime position.
