1. Apple Pie.
I totally had to wash my sheets today because last night I ate some apple pie in my bed and it created a residue that would look…questionable if anybody saw it. Apple pie seems like it would be perfectly nice and safe to eat in bed because it’s on a plate and you can’t really eat it with your hands. The thing is, when you’re done eating that pie and return to your Netflix queue, you put the plate down on the bed right next to you. You fall asleep. Forks slide. Crumbs ensue.
Peaches are sooo good. But if you’re eating a peach, you’re getting messy, and there’s nothing you can do about it. That’s the downside of biting into that succulent “flesh” toned orb. Eating a peach is always awkward, it doesn’t matter where you eat them. You’re gonna have peach juice rolling down the side of your chin, down your arm, and you’re going to have to suck on it even harder so the juice doesn’t get too crazy. If you eat a peach in the bed, peach juice is going to be all over everything, and then you’re stuck with the pit and what are you supposed to do with THAT?
3. Ramen Noodles.
Yes, we have all been there before, eating a bowl of Ramen noodles in bed while we watch episode after episode of Scandal or whatever. I know there’s a dinner table that we should be eating at and everything, but there’s just something so comfortable about eating in bed. It’s like your own personal island, and everything outside of it is this scary, uncharted territory. Ramen noodles are hard to eat in bed because you’ve got that whole juice thing going on and there’s so much slurping and you’re DEFINITELY going to get Ramen noodle juice all over your computer screen and PJs.
4. Sour Patch Kids.
Sour Patch Kids are the best candy on the planet. I love sour candies with just a little bit of sugar on them. You’re a professional Sour Patch Kids eater if you know that when you have that “raw” feeling in your mouth, it’s time to stop eating. Don’t eat them in bed because you’ll have sugar residue EVERYWHERE. Then your boyfriend or girlfriend will send you a text that says, “I found a Sour Patch Kid under the pillow today.” “I don’t know anything about that,” you say.
5. Totino’s Pizza Rolls.
Totino’s are the perfect finger/TV binging food. But if you don’t cook them at the exact temperature for the correct amount of time, they kind of jizz out all of that delicious pizza filling. So annoying to eat in bed because they might give you heartburn and they’re greasy and you forgot to bring a napkin but you don’t wan to get out of bed and you’re not wearing a shirt or pants really so what do you think your only other option is??
6. Rice Cakes.
Well I mean first of all, they’re loud so you’re not going to hear what people are saying on your computer. Plus with every bite you’re going to get crumbs everywhere. There’s no elegant way to eat a rice cake, people.
Burritos belong on a plate. They are fat and full of creams and beans and filling and you are really asking for it if you eat these things away from a table. Don’t try it.
8. Whipped Cream.
Valentine’s Day is right around the corner and there are going to be some people out there who think it’s really sexy to eat whipped cream off somebody during sex. Do yourself a favor this Valentine’s season — don’t be that person. Eating whipped cream off your boyfriend/girlfriend/sex slave is one of those things that SOUNDS like an awesome idea in principle, but it just kind of doesn’t work — unless I’m doing it all wrong. In which case, teach me, Internet commenters. Just think: you eat all that whipped cream off of each other and you slip and slide…but unless you duct tape some industrial strength plastic to the bed while you’re doing it, it’s going to be at hot mess to clean up.