1. Did you have a messed up childhood? Are you four glasses of wine away from telling me about your father’s suicide attempt?
2. Are you an alcoholic? Would I have to spend most of the relationship apologizing for your drunk ass? How #dark are you exactly?
3. Are you the one who likes to be loved more or are you totally comfortable with being loved less? This is important. Don’t lie.
4. Tell me the truth. Do your friends suck? Am I going to really hate them?
5. How long does it take you to respond to a text? Because I can’t deal with longer than ten minutes.
6. Are you physically active? Am I going to have to climb a mountain with you?
7. Do you use anything other than Gmail? I can’t be dealing with no Yahoo nonsense.
8. How many lies have you told me so far on this first date?
9. Can you handle my emotions? Are you going to emotion-shame me every time I get upset and call me crazy?
10. Do you have any scary habits I should know about? Like snorting black tar heroin on the weekends or behaving like a Scorpio?
11. Are you okay with me needing you… all of the time?
12. Pop quiz: If I text you “PLEASE COME OVER IT’S AN EMERGENCY!!!”, do you order another beer and text “Why babe? What’s wrong?” or do you scream, drop your phone, and run to my apartment immediately? There’s no wrong answer here. (Except for the one that’s not the right answer.)
13. Do you listen to country? Don’t you fucking lie to me.
14. Do you tweet inspirational quotes? Will I be embarrassed by your internet presence? Will I have to lie to all my friends and tell them that you don’t have a Facebook because your profile picture is you wasted riding a mechanical bull?
15. Will you still love me if I gain twenty pounds and start dressing like a garbage can? Oops, too late. I already did!
16. How do you feel about me being a giant hypocrite?
17. Do you plan on making good money? You don’t have to be rich. Just take me to the fucking movies every once in awhile.
18. Do you do that thing that guys often do when they act completely normal and amazing the first few months and then lose all interest overnight? ARE YOU GOING TO BE ANOTHER THING I HAVE TO SURVIVE?
19. What’s your policy on posting cute Instagram pictures of the two of us? For the record, I’m against it… unless I look really cute in the photo. In which case, hey girl hey! Look at how hot we are!!!
20. If I Google you, what’s the worst thing I’m going to find? (JK, what do you think this is, amateur hour? I’ve already Googled the shit out of you.)
21. Are you funny? If not, I could probably only date you for 17 days before getting deathly bored. 100 days if the sex is good.
22. Oh right: sex. What do you like? What do you dislike? Are you going to get freaked out if I ask you to pretend to be my basketball coach?
23. If you have a gluten allergy, it’s over. That is not a question.
24. Are you cool with me mouthing “I love you…” at the grocery store or STD clinic?
25. Lastly, are you cool with us doing nothing ever? I want to be the couple who doesn’t do anything besides wrap around each other like little octopus tentacles. Don’t make me go outside. Now that we’re in love, leaving the house just seems overrated.