What I Really Wish I Could Tell You

Unsplash Neill Kumar
Unsplash Neill Kumar

I look at you with a smile on my face and say ‘it’s good to see you’ –but what I truly wish I could say is why are you talking to me? I wish I could ask you if you know who you are talking to or are you fooled like everyone else? I wish I could ask you if you are strong enough to keep up with me or is it a matter of time till you run away?

I wish I could tell you I am not used to being loved, I am not used to being treated like a queen and put on a pedestal. I am not used to someone showing up on my doorstep with roses.

I am not used to getting picked up on time, going on fancy dinner dates and receiving loving messages after every date. I am not used to feeling special. I am not used to feeling like my opinions matter and my thoughts count. I am not used to the way you look at me.

I wish I could tell you that I am really strong but really soft at the same time and I still don’t know what triggers each of them. I wish I knew how to describe myself to you so you don’t have to struggle so much with trying to define me. I wish you could understand that I want to let you in but I am still trying to see if you are really willing to cross the line.

I wish I could tell you that the reason why I’m so attached to my friends is that they are the ones who truly accepted me when I almost gave up on myself. I can’t explain why they love me but they do and I wish I could get the same love from you.

I wish I could tell you that my family put me through hell but I survived, and it took me a while to learn to love them again, this is why I may not know how a family functions and I’m terrified of having one. I wish I could tell you that at one point having a family was all I ever wanted but somehow that changed along the way.

I wish I could tell you that I hated being alone or lonely and I looked for love in all the wrong places, this is why I’m comfortable with my loneliness now, it’s now more of an old friend than an enemy. I wish you understood how long it took me to reach this point and how hard it is for me to give it up for someone temporary.

I wish I could tell you I am guarded because the one before you broke down all my walls and left me to deal with the ruins and I had to slowly rebuild it brick by brick. It is so hard for me to break them down again even though I really want to.

I wish I could tell you about how he wasted my time and made me feel worthless, about the days he wasn’t there and the nights he disappeared, I wish I could tell you how weak I was with him. After that, I vowed never to feel like that again. 

I wish I could tell you that if you don’t plan to love me or take me seriously then please leave now because I am not going to give you my heart if you only want to play with it.

But I also wish I could tell you that if you plan to love me, I plan to love you harder and I will find the place in my heart where I once believed in eternal love and family, the place that is pure and free from all the agony and the pain.

If you plan to love me, I promise to find the right words to describe my feelings and help you unravel the puzzle of my life. If you plan to love me, I will slowly start breaking my own walls brick by brick and leave the door open for you.

If you plan to love me, I will slowly walk away from the comfort of my own loneliness and start embracing companionship again. If you plan to love me, I promise you with all my heart, I will forget about anyone who came before you and you will be the only one.

I wish I could tell you all that but I sip my coffee instead and ask you ‘How was your day?’ TC mark

Rania Naim

Writing makes me feel alive. Words heal me.

Nothing terrifies me more than being so close to someone and then watching them become a stranger again

Nothing scares me more than someone loving me one day and deciding they don’t want me the next. Nothing terrifies me more than being so close to someone and then watching them become a stranger again.

Click Here

More From Thought Catalog

  • https://brenicojayblog.wordpress.com/2016/03/02/what-i-really-wish-i-could-tell-you/ What I Really Wish I Could Tell You – Lifestyle Writing
  • https://warmhugsandkisses.wordpress.com/2016/03/03/what-i-really-wish-i-could-tell-you/ What I Really Wish I Could Tell You – An interesting juxtaposition of colors.

    […] Source: What I Really Wish I Could Tell You […]

  • https://khamillpantoja.wordpress.com/2016/03/04/what-i-really-wish-i-could-tell-you/ What I Really Wish I Could Tell You | K.M.M.P.

    […] Source: What I Really Wish I Could Tell You […]

  • http://indepthwoman.wordpress.com indepthwoman

    How I feel verbatim. Wow!!!

  • https://indepthwoman.wordpress.com/2016/03/07/what-i-really-wish-i-could-tell-you/ What I Really Wish I Could Tell You | Mind Of An In-Depth Woman

    […] Source: What I Really Wish I Could Tell You […]

  • http://ranianaim.com/2016/04/01/what-i-really-wish-i-could-tell-you/ What I Really Wish I Could Tell You – Rania Naim

    […] What I Really Wish I Could Tell You […]

  • https://caletheau.wordpress.com/2016/04/18/240/ Occasionally Optimistic

    […] What I Really Wish I Could Tell You […]

blog comments powered by Disqus