11. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’m guessing it’s hard to pronounce.
12. Do your parents even realize they’re living proof that two wrongs don’t make a right?
13. Remember that time I said I thought you were cool? I lied.
14. Everyone’s entitled to act stupid once in awhile, but you really abuse the privilege.
15. I can’t help imagining how much awesomer the world would be if your dad had just pulled out.
16. Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you’d gotten enough oxygen at birth?
17. Please, save your breath. You’ll probably need it to blow up your next date.
18. Can you die of constipation? I ask because I’m worried about how full of shit you are.
19. Good story, but in what chapter do you shut the fuck up?
20. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
21. Were you born on the highway? That is where most accidents happen.
22. Please, keep talking. I only yawn when I’m super fascinated.
23. If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I’d fart.
24. Jesus might love you, but everyone else definitely thinks you’re an idiot.
25. Sorry, I didn’t get that. I don’t speak bullshit.
26. The only way you’ll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.
27. If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on the planet.
28. Are you always such an idiot, or do you just show off when I’m around?
29. There are some remarkably dumb people in this world. Thanks for helping me understand that.
30. I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter statement than whatever you just said.
31. I was pro life. Then I met you.
32. You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.
33. Whenever we hang out, I remember that God really does have a sense of humor.
34. It’s kind of hilarious watching you try to fit your entire vocabulary into one sentence.
35. Please just tell me you don’t plan to home-school your kids.
36. You always bring me so much joy—as soon as you leave the room.
37. I was hoping for a battle of wits but it would be wrong to attack someone who’s totally unarmed.
38. I’d tell you how I really feel, but I wasn’t born with enough middle fingers to express myself in this case.
39. Stupidity’s not a crime, so feel free to go.
40. I’d tell you to go fuck yourself, but that would be cruel and unusual punishment.