About six years ago, I was sitting in the house I shared with three (messy) dudes wallowing in a post-college-graduation funk. The three messy dudes were out for the day and I was alone, which meant I had free reign of the television — something that NEVER happened. I turned on Netflix instant streaming (which was fairly new at the time) and decided to look for the one thing my roommates would never want to watch with me: horror movies.
What I found in the scant selection Netflix offered in 2009 was the often-ignored Showtime gem of a series: Masters of Horror. These hour-long films first aired in 2005 but if you didn’t have premium cable chances are you missed them. Directed and written by some of the greats in the genre, Masters of Horror has become an October tradition of mine. You can watch both seasons on Hulu, and after I blew through them in less than a week I thought I’d share them with you!
“Incident On and Off a Mountain Road”
A fun slasher thriller featuring post-“Can’t Hardly Wait” Ethan Embry!
“H. P. Lovecraft’s Dreams in the Witch-House”
All I have to say about this one is RAT WITH A HUMAN FACE.
“Dance of the Dead”
Post-apocalyptic punk rock fun plus a non-Freddy Krueger Robert Englund MC!
My personal favorite where Steven Weber (who wrote the teleplay) suspiciously gets to touch a model’s boobs a real lot.
A recently divorced man starts experiencing senses via a strange, unknown lady who likes chocolate (so, like, any of us).
You can TASTE how salty these filmmakers were in 2005 with Bush in office because ZOMBIE SOLDIERS WHO WANT THEIR RIGHT TO VOTE!
Probably the funniest one on the list from comedy filmmaker John Landis, featuring an A+ set of boobs.
Spooky cinematic mystery with a clean-cut babyface Norman Reedus (who doesn’t mumble for once)!
“Fair Haired Child”
A girl gets kidnapped by the paranoid schizophrenic from Orange Is The New Black and has a terrible time in the basement.
Lesbian love triangle between Angela Bettis, a former soft-core porn actress, and a bug (I’m not kidding).
“Pick Me Up”
Fairuza Balk gets chased by a truck-driving serial killer and hitchhiking serial killer in the worst road trip ever.
Two words: undead orgy.
SERIOUS WARNING: this one was originally banned from television and is chock-full of EXTREMELY gruesome violence — I couldn’t make it through more than once.
“The Damned Thing”
Something sinister haunts a man and his family in this distinctively True Detective-esque story.
Easily my second favorite, another darkly funny one from John Landis and also featuring NORM!
“The V Word”
Sort of like Twilight but with bros.
This dude can hear super good and it TOTALLY SUCKS.
Ron Perlman-dad really hates abortion which in this case isn’t a great idea because the Devil is involved.
SURPRISE STRIPPER-ASSAULTING MEATLOAF!
“The Screwfly Solution”
If MRA, Ted Bundy, and ebola had a baby, this is what would happen.
“Valerie on the Stairs”
Seth Green’s wife’s boobs and also Christopher Lloyd is there.
“Right to Die”
Hell hath no fury like a horrifically-burnt-on-the-brink-of-death-with-murder-powers-wife scorned.
“We All Scream for Ice Cream”
Sort of like IT but if Stephen King wasn’t trying very hard.
“The Black Cat”
I’m still not sure what happened in this one but Edgar Allan Poe is CRAZY.
I don’t want to give away the twist to this one but honestly it’s just silly as fuck.
Pretty solid Japanese horror about ghosts who are never going to forgive and that’s bad because they go all Grudge-style with their hair in their eyes and crawly limbs.