Lorenzo Jensen III

“Out of the pitch black we heard something SCREAMING.”

“Don’t threaten to kill his cat if he cheats on you.”

“Women who look like they hate me. Like, obviously I don’t want them to actually hate me, but resting bitch face just does it for me.”

“I told an adopted girl, ‘I can see why your parents hate you.'”

“I need to feel my man waayyy up.”

“I have never been with a woman with such vaginal strength.”

“I was convinced the bears could smell blood and would eat me.”

“I realized that Facebook is just a black hole where your time goes.”

“If they start talking to Jesus, you need to get ready for something bad.”

“Double and triple texts because you don’t answer within 30 seconds.”

“I thought condoms were a piece of candy you ate so you didn’t get pregnant.”

“When people take a lot of selfies and/or post them on social media. To me it’s either a sign of self-absorption or low self-esteem/being desperate for public approval, both of which are a huge turnoff.”

“Even when it doesn’t take forever, it still feels like it’s taking forever. “

“Big Ego. Nothing screams ‘I cry myself to sleep at night’ like a guy who walks around like he owns the place.”

“My boss showed the entire staff that he has 5 nipples at the company Christmas party one year. He even let one girl touch the 5th one.”

“Humor is the fastest way to the bedroom, my friend.”

“My great-grandmother was murdered by her schizophrenic son because he thought she was the Devil.”

“Touch my face when you’re kissing me.”